Alphonso the Slobberer vs. Ragnarr Hairy Pants

You're a Monarch or Nobility. You're Going to Get a Nickname

Titles are but nicknames, and every nickname is a title.

Thomas Paine

                                          Charles the Peculiar

A nickname is an informal name used to replace a formal one. A nickname often morphs to familiar or humorous terms. The word nickname is derived from the Middle English ekename, literally meaning an additional name.  The first recorded use of “eke name” was in the Middle English devotional Handlyng Synne in 1303 by Robert Manning (nickname, “Bobby Prayer Hands”) a Gilbertine Monk of Brunne.  Nicknames have been around for centuries and will be around for centuries. Many people, including you, may have one at one time or another.

Today, many of us are familiar with some athlete nicknames such as “Babe” (Ruth), The Great One”, Wayne Gretzky, “Crazy Legs Hirsh, (Elroy), “Shoeless Joe” (Jackson), “Pistol Pete” (Maravich) or “Iron” (Mike Tyson). We also have to mention baseball player, Jhostynxon Garcia, nicknamed “Password”. In the Old West we had “Buffalo” Bill Cody, “Texas” Jack Omohundro, “Wild Bill Hickok and “Calamity” Jane. Gangsters loved nicknames and the media loved them too.  We had Charles “Lucky” Luciano, “Scarface” Al Capone, Lester “Babyface” Nelson, and Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel. In fact, some nicknames have nicknames, we counted 15 for Elizabeth starting with Liz and on to Lizzie, Betty, Beth, Bess………Margaret has Peggy and Maggie and Margie, John has Jack, Jock and Jake. Cities have nicknames, “The Big Apple”, “The Windy City”, “La La Land”. Even countries have nicknames, “The Emerald Isle”, “The Land of the Rising Sun”, and “The Great White North”.

Historically, royal families recycled a tiny pool of names to project continuity and legitimacy. France alone couldn’t get enough of Louis. They had 18 kings named Louis. Without last names or Roman numerals, a catchy—and often brutal—nickname was the only way to tell one monarch from another. Dynastic surnames like Plantagenet or Tudor or Capet were not used by contemporaries. Regnal numbers like "Henry II" only became standard practice around the 13th and 14th centuries. Henry II, (we’ll call him “Hank “ The Deuce”) ruled England from 1154 to 1189.  Historians, chroniclers, friends and enemies relied on epithets to distinguish rulers and nobility. These titles generally came from three sources: political propaganda, physical descriptions, or later historical judgments.  Names came from great deeds, infamy, physical traits and in the case of France, a surfeit of Louis’s so they needed to be differentiated.  As for the common people, of course they got some too. For example, in the 12^th century all male peasants were called “Jack”, although according to the Prosopography (now there’s a word for you) of Anglo-Saxon England, you could become acquainted with Siward the Sot, Alweard the Stumpy, or Gwilseth the Gleawbeorht.  As we shall see with the nobility there were also many “the fats” and “the balds”. 

A good name will wear out; a bad one may be turned; a nickname lasts forever.

Johann Georg Ritter von Zimmermann

Some of the most famous titles with which we are familiar with were contemporary PR campaigns. "The Great" was frequently pushed by supporters, court historians, or the rulers themselves to project power and military success. History is replete with “the greats”.  We have Alexander of Greece, (355 B.C – 322 B.C); Charlemagne the Great, King of Franks and Holy Roman Emperor (748-814); Cyrus the Great of Persia (580-529 BC); Genghis Khan, (Temujin) Mongol (1162-1227); Constantine the Great of Rome (272-337); Peter the Great of Russia (1672-1725); Catherine the Great of Russia (1729-1796) - that’s two “greats for Russia within 71 years.  Of course, Russia also had Ivan “the Terrible” (1530-1584), no explanation needed.  However, we award title the greatest of the greats to Akbar the Great (1542-1605) of the Mughal Empire because his name Akbar is a superlative meaning greater or greatest rendering him the name, basically “Greatest of the Great”.    

Less superlative nicknames were applied by monks and chroniclers centuries after the monarch went kaput as a way to summarize a legacy. Often, these titles mutated over time. Sometimes it was not for the better. Consider poor English King Ethelred the Unready as a classic example. His title has nothing to do with being unprepared. In Old English, his name was Æthelred Unræd, which was deliberate pun meaning "noble counsel, poorly counseled." Over the centuries, the pun part was lost, and English speakers simply translated the unfortunate Ethelred’s name to "Unready."

Throughout history, people have been running around and conquering other cities and/or countries. Many of these chose to be named or were named “the conqueror”.  For example, when he conquered England in 1066, the Norman duke, William the Bastard (1028-1087), became William the Conqueror and Mehmed II, (1432–1481) Sultan of the Ottoman Empire became, Mehmed the Conqueror after he captured Constantinople on 1453. 

So, there are “Greats” and Conquerors, and now we shall examine the names of some other monarchs or nobles who were neither great nor conquerors. In Rome, Marcus Aurelius Antoninus gained the name “Caracalla” because he liked to wear a distinctive Gallic-style hooded cloak, a Caracalla.  Caracalla was assassinated by his soldiers while urinating by the Syrian roadside in 217 A.D. No report as to whether he was wearing his hoodie.  Claudius, (10 B.C – 54 A.D), succeeded his nephew the deranged emperor, Gaius Caesar aka Caligula, aka “Little Boot”, after his assassination at age 28 by the Praetorian Guard. Claudius (full name, Tiberius Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus), was called, Claudius the Stammerer. Not to be outdone, centuries later France would have Louis the Stammerer. Stammering wasn’t Claudius’s only issue; he also had a severe limp and was partially deaf. Claudius invaded Britain in 43 A.D which brings our study to England where “Ethelred the Unready’s” son Edward became Edward the Confessor, (1003?-1066). He was the penultimate Anglo Saxon King of England and was cognemed (my word) thus because of his piety, not because he confessed to being on the grassy knoll in Dallas, or helping killing Jimmy Hoffa, or cheating at Dominoes. The Confessor started the whole William the Conqueror kerfuffle when he named Harold Godwinson as his successor even though he may already have promised the crown to a distant cousin, William, Duke of Normandy. William took umbrage, invaded England, defeated Harold at the Battle of Hastings in 1066 and “The Bastard” became “The Conqueror”. Britain has given us quite a few famous and infamous nicknamables.  We have Richard the Lionheart 1157-1199 who spent most of his life and reign involved in wars and fighting and very little involved in Kinging. He was very brave, albeit irresponsible, but “Lionheart” stuck rather than “the Negligent”. He spent only 6 months of his 10-year reign in England. If you watch all the movies and shows about Richard back-to-back, they may also add up to six months. And that leads us to Richard’s younger brother, King John of England, aka John Lackland. He was nicknamed Lackland because his father, Henry II bequeathed lands to his sons, Henry, Geoffrey, and Richard (Lionheart) and none to John boy, hence Lackland.  John became King when Richard stupidly got himself shot by an arrow while attacking some minor castle in France. You’ll note that John has no number after his name. That’s because John was such a bad ruler, a disaster in fact, that there was never another King John for Britain which, of course, greatly saddens this author. At least John was Lackland.  Queen Mary 1 has gone down in history labeled Bloody Mary. Mary (1516-1558) was the daughter of serial bridegroom Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon. Mary was Catholic and when she became Queen after the death of Edward VI, Henry’s teenage son in 1553, her advisors began taking reprisals and persecuting the Protestantism of Henry and Edward after those Protestants had persecuted Catholics when Henry broke with the Church. Over 300 people labeled heretics were burned at the stake during Mary’s brief (1553-1558) rule.  At least she would have a drink named after her although competing stories involve a lovelorn Parisian patron, and a Chicago waitress at the Bucket of Blood Club. Bloody Mary was succeeded by her Protestant half-sister, Elizabeth 1, The Virgin Queen, daughter of that serial bridegroom Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. Despite centuries of speculation, there is no evidence that Elizabeth was not a virgin. The Protestants, you guessed it, took reprisals against the Catholics. Elizatheth, however, labeled Catholics “traitors” instead of heretics so they were not burned at the stake.  They were not so humanely drawn and quartered instead. Ah, Christianity. Since the victors write history, the Elizabethans labeled Mary, “Bloody Mary” and so she remains. 

Nicknames stick to people, and the most ridiculous are the most adhesive.

Thomas Chandler Haliburton 

A century later, Oliver Cromwell and Parliament overthrew and executed King Charles I. Cromwell became “Lord Protector”. His son, Richard was not the man his father was.  Not a military man nor a leader, he was labeled “Queen Dick”, or “Tumbledown Dick” and would be replaced by King Charles II.  Meanwhile, looking back a few centuries in Scotland we find, Lulach the Simple Minded. Lulach was the stepson of Macbeth of Shakespeare fame and was King of Scots in 1057. The simple minded one, alternate nickname, “The Foolish” did not last a year when he was assassinated. His historical significance is that Lulach was the first king in Scotland for whom there are coronation details. Also in Scotland, in Galloway, ancestral home of the author, we call attention to Archibald the Grim who was the 3rd Earl of Douglas and Lord of Galloway from the mid 1300s until his death in 1400. It wasn’t that he was humorless, it was because his English enemies feared him. But not so much his son, Archibald the Loser who had a knack losing battles as well as an eye and a testicle to the English.

Crossing the channel to France and beyond, we encounter another John (yay!). King John II “The Good” (1350-1364). John was captured by the English at the Battle of Poitiers. We’re not sure why he was “the good” since he really didn’t do anything good other than losing battles, being captured by the English and being king during the Black Death. One of John the Good’s principal French enemies was Charles the Bad of Navarre. There will be more “the Bads” to come in our survey.   Pepin “The Short”was Charlemagne’s father. Charlemagne is generally recognized as being about 6 ft. tall which was quite tall in those days. So how did “The Short” sire Charlemagne? As happened with Ethelred the Unready, it is a misnomer. He wasn’t short.  Pepin’s Latin name was “Pippinus” or “Pippinidus” and “The Short” was a misinterpretation of “Pippinus,” which means “little Pippin”. That was lost on the early translators and poor Pepin morphed into “The Short”. Before long, the use of ‘the Short’ became too common to be corrected. Charles the Bald, 843-877, Charlemagne’s grandson was not bald he was in fact extremely hairy so………..France can’t get enough of Charles and Louis’s. Recall there were 10 Charles and 18 named Louis. So, we come to “Charles the Mad”, actually Charles VI (1368-1422). He was absolutely barking mad in fact. He suffered extended periods of insanity and believed he was made of glass. Earlier, we find Charles (III), the Simple”, (879-929 not because he was intellectually challenged but because, he was straightforward and honest so it is an honorific although we see Charles “the Simple and think…………There were a few Phillips too, six in all beginning with Phillip I “The Amorous” (1052-1108).  Guess why.  Sadly, Phillip II apparently had no nickname. Fast forward a few years to Philip III “The Bold” (1245-1285), youngest son of John “The Good”, (we like to name drop John) then along came Philip IV “The Fair” (1268-1314), so named because he was tall and blond.  Then we have Philip V “The Tall”, 1293-1332), who was also tall, both stood over six feet. There was another John, “John the Posthumus”, so named because he was born posthumously after the death of his father Louis X “The Quarreler”, in November 1316 and then proceeded to die four days after his birth but he still gets credit as a king and any time we can mention a king named John, we go for it. Speaking of Louis X, (1289-1316), “the Quarreler”, aka “the Headstrong, or “the Stubborn”, so named because he feuded at one time or another with almost every member of the nobility. Louis II “the Stammerer” (877-874), son of Charles ‘the Bald”, stuttered his way through a brief 18-month reign. On the corpulent side we have, Holy Roman Emperor Charles III “Charles the Fat”, (839 -887). Charles is just one of a number of porcine rulers known by the epithet “the Fat,”. He is joined by Alfonso I of Portugal, Conan III of Brittany, Henry I of Navarre and Louis VI of France…. All “The Fat”.

Up north, they were very creative with the nicknames. We begin with “Eystein the Fart”. Eystein Halfdansson, was an 8th century king of Norway. The epithet “Fart” is usually believed to mean that he was a busybody or loudmouth, not his flatulence. No definitive explanation has yet been found, however. “The Fart” had a son, “Halfdan the Bad Entertainer”, also known as King Halfdan the Mild, His nickname apparently refers to his habit of paying his soldiers generously but providing them with little food or entertainment. Bad entertainer would now apply to the countless untalented people infesting television these days.  Continuing with the Vikings, we meet Ivar “the Boneless “– Died, 873. Ivar was a Viking chieftain whose favorite pastime was invading and plundering England, Ireland and later, Scotland. Encyclopedia Brittanica informs us that the meaning of Ivar’s weird nickname is not known with any certainty. It might refer to a hereditary skeletal condition such as osteogenesis imperfecta or to an inability to walk. Lots of Viking in our bizarre nickname survey as we turn to Harald Fairhair (c. 860—died c. 940).  Harold is recognized by medieval historians as the first king of Norway, reigning from 872 to 930. Why “Fairhair”? Harald refused to cut his hair until he was named king. This took about 10 years, so he probably looked like Rapunzel by the time he ascended the throne.  Probably had a lot of cooties in that nest on top of his head also. Harald "Bluetooth" Gormsson was a king of Denmark and Norway who reigned from 958 to 986. “Bluetooth” Gormsson did not invent a wireless system that allowed devices to exchange data over short distances but he did like to invade England.  All Viking kings loved to invade Britain. Another Viking, ‘Eirik the Priest Hater’ was the King of Norway from 1280 until 1299. He was the eldest surviving son of King Magnus the Lawmender of Norway.  Eirik received the nickname "Priest Hater" from his antagonistic relations with the church. Also, in Norway there was Ragnarr, a ninth-century Viking chieftain who (according to legend) killed a deadly serpent while wearing a pair of cowhide breeches. It would have been fitting that he be called Ragnarr the Serpent Slayer to honor his brave achievement but, alas, he has gone down in history as Ragnarr Hairy Pants instead.

Moving to Germany we find, another John. He was John II  “the Babymaker”. He worked hard for his nickname as he allegedly fathered 63 illegitimate children. Hopefully, some were named John.  John II, alas, was not a king but the Duke of Cleves, in northwestern Germany.  His son, John III was the father of Anne of Cleves, the fourth wife of serial bridegroom, Henry VIII.  Bordering Germany, in Austria we meet, Albert IV, “Albert the Peculiar”. He was a Duke from 1395 until 1404. It’s not immediately obvious why he was given the nickname of ‘peculiar,’ but he must have been. We do know about Ivaylo the Cabbage, Tsar of Bulgaria, who went kaput in died 1281. Legend has it he led a peasant uprising against the Tsar and because he was a peasant, Cabbage was a derogatory named bestowed on him by the nobility. He overthrew the Tsar and then amazingly defeated Genghis Khan’s Golden Horde……twice. His offspring were, naturally, Cabbage Patch Kids. 

 The Medici were a rich, influential and powerful family in Florence during the Renaissance. “Piero the Unfortunate” was the exception. Piero, (1474-1503), was ruler of Florence for two years from 1492-1494 following the death of his father, Lorenzo the Magnificent (1449-1492). Piero cleverly cancelled an alliance with powerful France in favor of one with not so powerful Naples.  Piero lost control of the city when the French invaded. He was then ousted from power when the people revolted and plundered the Medici Palace. As if that weren’t unfortunate enough, Piero eventually drowned crossing a river while fleeing from a battle in 1503.  Another bad one, “William the Bad” of Sicily,( 1120–1166). The nobles hated him so they called him the “the bad”. His son, William II was more popular and was naturally labeled “The Good”. If William II the Good had a son named William III, we would hope he was named “William the Ugly” so we would have The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly. Back on the mainland, we encounter, Alphonso the Slobberer - King of León and Galicia (1188-1230). Allegedly he had fits of rage that had him foaming at the mouth thus discouraging aides and would be assassins from getting too close.  On the leisure clothing front, we encounter, “Bermudo II the Gouty” King of León and Galicia, (953 – 999). Bermudo, who’s favored attire was Bermudo Shorts, ruled parts of Spain, fought Muslim invaders and died of you guessed it, Gout.  Pity poor Henry IV of Castile (1425-1474) who has gone down in history as “Henry the Impotent.” Henry ruled the Spanish kingdom from 1454 to 1474. When he was fifteen, Henry was married to Blanche II of Navarre. Thirteen years later, Henry filed for divorce, stating that they had never consummated the marriage. The Catholic church held a trial, where they confirmed Blanche’s virginity and received testimony from several prostitutes who explained that Henry’s sexual prowess was just fine, except when it came to his wife. “Wilfred the Hairy” ruled as Count of Urgell and Cerdanya from 870, Barcelona, Girona, and Besalú from 878, and Ausona from 886. Visit the sculpture of Wilfred in the Cathedral of Barcelona and you’ll understand the nickname; the guy looks like he’s literally wearing a bodysuit made of hair. “Charles the Bewitched”(1661-1700) of Spain, was the product of centuries of Hapsburg inbreeding. He was ugly, deformed and smelly. Not surprisingly, he fathered no children. He did like to eat. Contemporary chroniclers describe a typical meal “He has a ravenous stomach, and swallows all he eats whole, for his nether jaw stands so much out, that his two rows of teeth cannot meet”. He went kaput at 38 labeled “the Bewitched” because of his poor health and inability to sire children. So, basically, in the words of Rogers and Hart, he was “bewitched, bothered and bewildered.”  And how could we forget Vlad “the Impaler”, Prince of Wallachia, born in Transylvania, the inspiration for Dracula. His fondness for impaling his enemies on stakes in the ground and leaving them to die earned him his nickname.

Finally, we visit the, Byzantine Empire where we encounter the charming, Basil II, “the Bulgar Slayer” due to his penchant for conquering Bulgaria and other Baltic countries and slaughtering the populace.  On the proboscis front we encounter, Justinian II, “the Slitnose” who was the Byzantine emperor from 685 to 695. Mr. Slitnose was a bit of a tyrant and quite unpopular and that led to rebellion by his general, Leonitis. Mutilation, specifically rhinectomy, was a common punishment in the Byzantine court and Justinian was captured and deposed and then, before a large crowd gathered for the event, was subjected to a rhinectomy (cutting off the nose) and glossotomia. slitting of the tongue.  It was nothing to sniff at.  Unfortunately for Leonitis, he too would be de-nosed a few years later. Meanwhile Justinian would regain the Imperial throne in 705 and for his second reign he now sported a golden prosthetic nose and became an even worse tyrant. Eventually the Byzantines rose against him again and Justinian’s own soldiers seized and beheaded him - golden nose and all.  Still, it could be worse. Spare a thought for poor Constantine V of Byzantium (718-775) who had to rule his Mediterranean kingdom while wearing the name Constantine Copronymous, which means “Constantine Dung-Named.”

Nicknames have evolved over time and are still universal. It’s all nicknames all of the time if you think about it. They continue to be a popular way for people to refer to others. As we’ve indicated, people may go through more than one nickname during their lives. Who knows, there may even be a “Eystein the Fart” or “Wilfred the Hairy” out there somewhere.

Title photo – Charles the Peculiar.

 

Sources:  No A.I ! Never. 

https://www.medievalists.net/2023/05/the-10-strangest-nicknames-of-medieval-rulers/

https://timepieceshistory.com/2022/07/20/medieval-monarch-monikers/

https://www.ranker.com/list/leaders-known-as-the-great/renata-carmen

https://read.dukeupress.edu/hahr/article/53/1/150/151510/Henry-IV-of-Castile-1425-1474

https://www.scienceabc.com/social-science/why-is-pepin-called-the-short

https://www.mentalfloss.com/history/royalty/60-historys-strangest-royal-epithets

https://tswerplat.com/the-fascinating-history-and-enduring-popularity-of-nicknames/

https://www.britannica.com/topic/nickname

https://themediaevalmonk.wordpress.com/2021/07/27/interesting-early-medieval-english-nicknames/

A Visit to Wally Fest. Adventures at Fall Festivals

 

Tis the season to be festive and the Poconos oozes with festivals and fairs from the end of August into Mid-September. Poconos tourist sites lure with great deals such as “Pocono Experience Passports” and can’t miss slogans such as “Small Town Charm Meets Big Adventures”.  A tiny sampling of the fair fair includes: The West End Fair, the 164th Annual Wayne County Fair, and the Greene Dreher Sterling Fair . We are advised that we can shop for treasures at the Pocono State Craft Festival, get out on the water during Wally Lake Fest, or enjoy live music all over town during Stroudfest (presented by the Sherman Theater).  Also, The Coal Miner’s Heritage Festival, Hawley Silk Mill Fiber Festival, Catherine Street Fall Block Party, Arts and Crafts Fair in Bingham Park, COTA Jazz and Arts Festival, Pocono Irish-American Festival and Septemberfest. Milford Readers & Writers Festival and the Pocono Garlic Festival (face masks included?) are there for the taking. Whew! And that’s just for starters.

Last year we attended the Wally Fest at Lake Wallenpaupak, three days of crafts and food and music at different venues adjacent to the lake. We were pleasantly surprised at the quality of the crafts. So pleasantly surprised that we too quickly ran out of cash but were able load up on Christmas gifts for loved ones. Our friend, Jan, was able to purchase a set of antlers at the antler booth for herself.  Her husband, Rich, would be thrilled (sarcasm here) to have to mount them on their outside wall at home.  Alas, we sampled neither the music nor the food. We left early because we were tired after spending all our money.  Police were now controlling the bumper-to-bumper traffic, and it was very busy and the music, on the beach with dozens of boats, would begin in late afternoon. All this would have to wait another year.

This year we were ready for Wally Fest. We cleverly decided to go at 10:00 a.m. on Friday to beat the crowds since traffic and parking got quite clogged last year. Plus, by arriving early at 10:30 we would get the best stuff. We entered the first venue which is the Wallenpaupak Visitor’s Center. I was thrilled to get what I deemed to be an excellent spot in the small parking lot. As we walked towards the craft booths we noticed that while there were booths, the tents were all set up but none of them had any crafts. Warning bells set off in my mind.  We met a woman carrying some crafts from the trunk of her car to her booth and asked her what time the Fair opened.  “Noon”, she replied as she hurried off.  Noon? Noon? Oy vey! No wonder I got the best parking space. On further reflection we realized that we had come on a Saturday, not Friday, last year. Whoops! We had 90 minutes to kill. We went into the Visitor’s Center. It was empty so we had the full attention of Wally Fest and Chamber of Commerce information people at various tables. We are polite so we got some pamphlets. Then we took turns taking our pictures in front of a stuffed bear and it was 10:45.  Not wanting to give up my parking spot, I saw a Real Estate Office across the street and suggested we look at pictures of houses for the next hour.  That did not go over well.  Jan and her Rich suggested we visit the Silk Mill and then wander downtown Hawley about 15 minutes away.  Off we went to the Silk Mill just outside downtown Hawley, suburban Hawley if you will. It is not a silk mill any more. It has not been one for decades but has gone through several iterations including antique selling and a branch of a local college.  I consulted the Silk Mill website and found it “has evolved into a vibrant shopping and lifestyle destination, browse curated boutiques, sip on craft coffee, unwind in wellness studios, and experience a year-round calendar of events—all within a National Historic Landmark reimagined for today.”  Almost all of these were closed. We couldn’t even “unwind”.  Someone remembered that we could see a waterfall from the Silk Mill.  We wandered around the outside and were standing between a large air conditioning unit , a utility shack and a wire fence but no waterfall when a gentleman drove up, asked if he could help us. He told us how to find the waterfall and proceeded to try to sell us on a wedding venue that he had at the Silk Mill.  None of us had any wedding planned put we were able to see the waterfall from the veranda.  There was no water falling from the waterfall.  Off we went to downtown Hawley which is basically one street. I should note that we have been here in the Poconos for over 20 years and I still confuse “the H’s” Hamlin, Hawley, and Honesdale which are all north of us. Street parking was no problem. Go early on a Friday morning if you wish to explore Hawley. I’m pretty sure it was Hawley.  We walked slowly. There are stores, a bar that advertises “The World’s Worst Food”, a couple of restaurants and a former train yard with a caboose. Rich, an avid skier, got briefly excited about a sign across the street.  However, even though sign said “Ashki”, it was a realtor.   Rich thought it had something to do with skiing.  You can also book “Electric-assist rail biking on historic railroad tracks.”  A 10-mile scenic ride passing the Brookfield Hydroelectric Power Plant. You can also see the Lackawaxen River which resembles the Los Angeles River in that it is all concrete. The 10-mile scenic ride was fully booked for the day. One must book it online. The next day we checked the prices. Tandem Bike (Seats up to 2 people): $125 – $140 per bikeQuad Bike (Seats up to 4 people): $225 – $245 per bike.  That’s a chunk of change but you do get to see the Brookfield Hydroelectric Power Plant. By now, if we walked slowly back to the car, we would arrive at Wally Fest for the noon opening.  On the way to the Visitors Center we passed the High School.  It is the Wally Fest’s principal shopping and eating venue has lots of land and lots of vendors and even a boat show. Something was wrong. There were no vendors, no food trucks and no boats. The High School parking lot contained just cars. Slowly, it dawned on me that this was Friday. School was in session.  These were teacher and student cars. This main venue would not open until Saturday!  No antlers for Jan. Arriving back at the Visitors Center we found everything in full swing such as it was.  I didn’t get my parking spot but there were lots of them since the booths had only opened 5 minutes ago.  This year, as last year, the first vendor we encountered was selling doggie treats.  Jan loves dogs.  She loves talking about dogs. He had a dog. She was still talking to the dog guy after we had visited 5 more booths or so. She did buy some doggie treats though. Their dog, Breezy, would be happy.  Fortunately, the wood craft booths were open. We remembered them from last year and were able to make some purchases for Christmas gifts. Oh, and we saw the beach, which would be filled with music lovers later in the day.  However, at the current time it was empty save for one fake coyote facing the water with a few geese off shore eyeing it suspiciously. 

After all that we were there a half hour or so. 

It was time for lunch and there is a small restaurant named Cocoon near the Silk Mill.  We went back to the Silk Mill.  Killing 90 minutes and then shopping makes one hungry. Cocoon is one of those deli-type eateries in which one peruses the menu on the wall above the counter, makes a selection, pays and then goes to a waiting area for the order to arrive and be called out with your name.  Our order was for “Margaret” and my lunch was the “San Francisco” sandwich. Rich and I went to the waiting area and waited and waited and waited for our names to be announced. While waiting I noticed that sometimes the order itself instead of a name was announced.  “Greek Salad”. This meant if two people had the same order and one of them was not in the immediate waiting area, order poaching would occur as someone took someone else’s lunch.  I saw two incidents of order poaching as I waited and waited. Rich had ordered a “Memphis” sandwich. Finally, his came.  I waited. People who had come in after me got their meals, ate them and left. I waited.  Finally, after an inordinate amount of time and witnessing another incident of “poaching”, I went to the cashier to inquire about my “San Francisco” sandwich.  She checked. It “didn’t go through”.  She said “sorry about that” with all the sincerity of a clam.  I got my money back. Meanwhile, back at the table, Margaret, Jan and Rich had finished their lunches but thoughtfully saved some of each for me.  I declined.  Rich explained to me that he received his lunch first because “Memphis is closer than San Francisco “.  We left.

We had arrived at Wally Fest 90 minutes early on the wrong day and yet, we got very nice gifts for family, I got three prime parking spots, we learned about a wedding venue, we almost saw a waterfall, we explored greater Hawley, saw fish in the concrete Lackawaxen River, and noted that there are a lot of teachers and students at Wallenpaupak High School that have cars.  We also saw a fake coyote, and three of us had a delicious lunch.  All things considered it was a good day, although, I was quite hungry.  We made a note for next year, SATURDAY! 

 

The Mindful Observer – Your Comprehensive Guide to Murder on TV, the Movies and Books.

 

 

“Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not.”……Adrian Monk

  

Like you, we’ve been watching mysteries and crime stories on television and movies and reading books for decades.  This has made us rather, we believe, perspicacious. Ever helpful, we have compiled a viewing and reading aid calling to your attention some of the consistencies and repetitions you will find as you sit down to watch a murder/crime show/movie.  Don’t worry.  These regularities and tropes will still be there for decades (centuries?) to come. 

 

Mystery stories have been with us for quite a while.  In 408 B.C. Greek playwright Euripides composedOrestes about matricide.  It contains some of the kernels of what would later be considered typical mystery fiction. During the late 700s B.C., at least one of the tales in the “One Thousand and One Nights/Arabian Nights” involves early examples of typical mystery images. In “The Tales of the Three Apples”, the dismembered body of a young woman is found in a trunk floating in the Tigris River. The local Caliph orders his vizier to solve the crime and find the murderer within three days or face execution himself.  

It is generally considered that Edgar Allan Poe’s story, "The Murders in the Rue Morgue," which first appeared in Graham’s Lady’s and Gentleman’s Magazine in1841, was the first mystery story.  In it, we were introduced to detective, M C. Auguste Dupin. Dupin used ratiocination, i.e, cool, logical reasoning that let him outwit both criminals and the police. Wilkie Collins published The Woman in White (1859), which is considered the first mystery novel and then Collins published the first detective novel, The Moonstone, in 1868. This one featured several elements that you see carry on to this day and probably beyond. They were red herrings, (a fact, idea, or subject that takes people’s attention away from the central point being considered), false alibis and of course, a climactic scene.  Because there were no cars, Collins did not include car chases. But we’ve more than made up for it with thousands of them since Steve McQueen in Bullitt ,1968, which was probably the first famous car chase. The Dead Letter, published in 1866 by Beadle’s Monthly Magazine, is considered to be the first detective story by a woman. The author, Seeley Regester, is a pen name for author Metta Victoria Fuller Victor.

As for the word, whodunit. Who dunit?  Donald Gordon dunit. In 1930, the term “Whodunit” was officially coined. In his review of the detective novel “Half-Mast Murder”, News of Books reviewer Gordon used the term “Whodunit” to describe the story.

 

Barney Blake, Police Reporter was aired on NBC from April 22, 1948, to July 8, 1948, and it is cited as the first crime drama to air on television. The program was canceled after thirteen weeks by its sponsor, the American Tobacco Company. It starred Gene O’Donnell and Judy Parrish. O’Donnell previously starred in the memorable epic film, Freckles Comes Home in 1942.  Parrish starred in a Studio One TVdrama as Amy Bristol, Anesthesiologist. Unfortunately, it put people to sleep. However, according to the Official Guinness Records, Telecrime, on BBC, from 1938–39 and later known as Telecrimes in 1946 seems to have come first.  Telecrimes made the audience watch (see definitions below), as it challenged TV viewers to unravel crimes before the police.  It featured the first TV police detective, Inspector Holt, played by J.B Rowe, who previously starred in silent movies, most notably, The Vulture's Prey in 1922.

 

Crime pays. There have been over 1,600 crime dramas, comedies and dramadies with more added each year, ranging from A – Adam 12 to Z – Z Cars (UK). It is highly likely that at some time you have watched a crime show on television or the cinema.  All are derivative. Many are spinoffs and still more are spinoffs of spinoffs. Law and Order may continue to spin off for centuries and outlast cockroaches and Keith Richards. 

We also considered legal dramas/comedies/dramadies shows which sprouted from a paltry 5 during the 1950s, (good old Perry Mason), to 63 in the 2010s and 35 so far in the 2020s.

As you have watched one or more or many of them you may have noticed that there is a plethora of themes and scenes that are reused over and over and over and over.  It’s déjà vu all over again according to the noted philosopher, Yogi Berra.

 

If there is a crime, there must be a  the crime solver. Most races and creeds are now covered.  We have men and women police detectives, military detectives, small town policemen, forest rangers, Mounties, and oodles of amateur investigators.  Let’s call the latter the “Miss Marple Syndrome” thanks to Agatha Christie and her classic nosy sleuth, Miss (Jane) Marple. “Miss Marple is a white-haired old lady with a gentle, appealing manner”, Murder at the Vicarage.*  And so now we have bakers, cooks, farmers, antique store owners, bookstore, artists, craft enthusiasts, wedding planners, teachers, veterinarians, priests, nuns, and there are even dead detectives who come back as spirits to guide crime solving amateurs.  Cary Grant and Constance Bennett as ghosts in Topper, 1937 were the first deceased crime solvers.  One show featured the star singer of the cruise ship unveiling the culprit. It was so bad it didn’t even qualify as a Hallmark Mystery. Speaking of the fluffier side, there is a large niche of amateur crime solvers on Hallmark Mysteries but more about that later. Alas, we note, the P.I or private detective, once so popular, seems to be fading from both large and small screens.  However, they are still popular in books.

 

Viewing vs. Watching vs. Noticing. What Is the Difference?

As verbs, they indicate seeing something or someone with your eyes. However, 'watching' something takes longer. When we 'watch' something, we pay attention to it, but 'viewing' takes less time. You do not pay that much attention to something when you 'view' it. You may view television commercials but if you watch and listen to commercials on television, I suggest you seek counseling. Then there is the word “notice”.  As a noun it is the fact of observing or paying attention to something. As a verb it is become aware of in case you’ve noticed. 

 And so, “the game is afoot”…….Sherlock Holmes

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice.  All the suspects gathered together in one room or space for the dramatic and climatic unveiling of the murderer. The detector will insinuate or point at one or two suspicious people (red herrings) before the grand unveiling. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice  The all knowing and often mysterious entity known as “The Lab”.  “Get that back to the lab” ….said the detective holding a human nose. Depending on plot, the “Lab” can be backed up or supply immediate answers. Sometimes we get to go to the lab.  That’s always exciting. Will the deceased be on a table or pulled out of a drawer? Under a sheet?

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice   Another entity is “Forensics”. Usually, forensics will forensic before things are sent to The Lab. Weather can come into play here.  Rain that either just occurred or will shortly can wreak havoc on forensics. Some shows, like the CSIs are built around forensics, the gorier the better. The quest for Gun Shot Residue, or GSR we cognoscenti call it, is essential.

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice Someone, somehow, messes up the crime scene. Often at a particularly gruesome crime scene, someone will vomit. Hurling can also occur at autopsies.

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice  The “lab” and “forensics” must include reference to rigor mortis or “rigor” as it is known to us, the literati. The life span of maggots and flies on and in the corpse is also essential to establishing time of death

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice that the coroner or medical examiner or doctor is always asked about the time of death while at the scene of a crime?  They never give one. Usually it is prefaced by “I know you can’t tell me but…….”  Then, depending on the relationship with the detectives and how important the M.E character is in the show, the answer will be a snide remark, an official rebuff, or an estimate “sometime during the last decade”. When You Watch, You’ll Notice that coroners or medical examiners are always very busy, “we’re backed up”, as we see several tables containing actors playing dead when the drawer is pulled out, but this victim can go to the front of the line for examination and the report comes in conveniently while the lead actors are sitting at their desks or in the office? “Indications are that he was choked with a frisbee.”

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice   - TV corpses. What a challenging role it is for the actor portraying a dead body.  I’m always on the lookout for a blink or breathing. Do they have that on their resume?  Are there specialists in acting dead? “Portrayed dead body on “NCIS?”  There are hand models and foot models. Are there dead body actors who specialize lying very still and holding their breath and not blinking? “I can hold my breath and not blink for 60 seconds”. Are breath holding contests part of the auditions? Also, when the body of a woman wearing a dress or skirt is discovered, they always are in a prim and proper pose, knees together to the side, rather than legs splayed while lying on the ground even though there was a violent struggle involving knives or blunt objects or hit and run. Shooting victims also tend to assume these formal poses as do women who are thrown from windows. 

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice  - Funeral directors are usually sleazy. If a funeral is an extended scene, either a body will fall out of the coffin or the wrong body is in the coffin, especially if it is the opening scene. 

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice   If the show opens with a wedding, someone is going to die. In fact, weddings will usually involve a fatality no matter when they occur during the show or movie.

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice  - Never ever announce that you have changed or will change your will, and you’ll announce it at dinner, or tomorrow or at the family gathering next weekend.  You’re toast. 

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice – Many swimming pools contain bodies.  Bathtubs are also dangerous especially if there is an electrical appliance nearby. 

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice  - Deaths at Murder Mystery parties or train rides or ship excursions. Someone will bite the dust. Likewise in a theatrical production, someone will load the gun with real bullets……sometimes substitute a real knife. We’ve seen swords used also. The body count will depend on the size of the cast at the party, train ride or cruise. Lately, Book Clubs have become very hazardous to the health of members. 

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice We all know the suspect is lying if they move their eyes to the left when speaking because we have been told that by clever detectives, helpful amateurs or ingénues for quite a few years now. 

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice Young people, usually young women, move to NYC or a major city and get killed. Don’t know why they keep doing that. 

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice   The body in the incinerated car, buried in the landslide, or lost at sea is never who the police or investigator thought it was. Someone else was substituted, usually by the murderer. Surprise! Typically, it was some innocent, sometimes a vagrant, or a dug-up corpse.  Sometimes it is just a random victim who encounters the villain. The vagrant and the corpse are the most popular though but watch out for the identity switch.  

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice  The magic number $ 10,000  - all bank withdrawals for blackmail or ransom or money laundering or other nefarious motives must be under 10,000 so the IRS will not flag it. We will be reminded during the show by either detectives or villains of that number.

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice Things people are doing before they are murdered.

Looking up at someone.

Answering the door. 

Turning around.

Lying on the beach…..they look up and……….

Exiting or entering an elevator

Underground parking lots are hazardous. Roof parking lots too. 

Taking the short cut through the alley.

Taking the short cut through the woods.

Meet you at midnight in the abandoned warehouse or the cemetery?  Come alone? Sure, OK.

When You Watch, You’ll Notice Things people say to some unknown villain before they meet their doom.  

 “Oh,, it’s you”

“What do you want?”

“What are you doing here?”

“I’ve been waiting for you”

“I told you before……..”

“Hello. Come in”

“Leave me alone”…..

“Do you always carry a butcher knife? Or are you just happy to see me?” We just made that one up. 

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice  The “Don’t Look Back, Someone Might Be Gaining On You Syndrome”. The soon-to-be victim is being pursued by someone, usually a villain, they keep looking back.  90% of the time they will trip and fall, frequently more than once. Running and stumbling through the woods is particularly popular pastime.   90% of the time. this leads to their demise. Sometimes while someone is stumbling along, falling down, getting up, looking back, the villain has gotten in front of them and suddenly appears and requiem in pace.   Occasionally, albeit rarely, the pursuer turns out to be a “good guy or girl” who saves the stumbler and then there is lots of heavy breathing and gasping for breath as they embrace while the no longer a victim explains he/she was running through the woods tripping and falling. The saviors invariably say, “I didn’t see anyone.”

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice A significant number of dead bodies are discovered by dog walkers and joggers.  

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice Never let a suspect use the bathroom before you take them to the police station. Either they will escape or commit suicide, but they will never come back and announce that they have run out of toilet paper.

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice Someone is alone in the house or they enter a house. They hear a sound. They say, “is anyone there?”  Why? Do they really expect an answer?  “Yes, it’s me the neighborhood serial killer”….

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice Suspects almost never know that it’s a 2-way mirror at the police station. Dozens of people are back there behind the mirror.  They could even be doing the Macarena, but the suspects don’t know they are being watched. They may pace around the room.  They may sit head in hands. They may sit in a catatonic fugue state but somehow, they refrain from picking their noses.

When You Watch, You’ll Notice   When the suspect is brought into the police station for questioning, the accused and the lawyer are sitting facing the detective(s). At some point, the lawyer nods to client or exchanges whispers as they lean towards each other covering their mouths during interviews with police.  Even though they are within two feet of them on the other side of the table, the police cannot hear the whispered exchange. There is head shaking and more whispers until the lawyer says, “We’ll take ‘Man Two’ and 10 years and drop the murder charge”. Often there is a guard at the door just standing there. He/she doesn’t hear anything either. Lately, there has been an epidemic of smug perpetrator/suspects who frustrate the questioners……at first. Then, by the end of the show there is a (weeping) confession.

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice Police supervisors will walk into a room populated by the show’s heroes/heroines and instruct them to perform a ridiculously long or complicated task.   “Get the first names of everyone who visited the hotel in the last 10 years and had Oysters Rockefeller for dinner.” Then they turn around and leave the room. Sometimes it’s reversed and the hero/heroine leave the “Chief/Captain/Lieutenant’s” office after receiving the difficult and complicated marching orders. In British mysteries the higher up is the Chief Constable or Superintendent, they are usually pompous boobs causing one to wonder how they got the job. British police departments in particular are always short of personnel and money due to budget cuts. 

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice Time is on my side. We call it the “Time Piece” All watches on victims are broken and stop at the time of the murder? This also applies to clocks in the room. The occasional sly murderer will fiddle with the time piece to throw the police off because they know the “Time Piece Rule”. 

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice  The “died in their sleep” for elderly or sick people pronouncement is always wrong.  Nope! They never die in their sleep.  They were smothered with a pillow.  The clever medical examiner or detective will invariably discover this because yes, there was petechial hemorrhaging in their eyes.   Murder! Thanks to crime shows and movies we are now familiar with petechial hemorrhaging, and we often know to look for it before the police in the show look for it. Subdural hematomas are also popular for blunt force trauma to head. Weapons of choice for the blunt force trauma range from busts, handily sitting on a pedestal, to baseball bats, tire irons, to a large frozen pork chop.  The hyoid bone comes into play with strangulation victims. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice Crime shows - hero or heroine, visits a prison or goes undercover and a riot occurs and they are trapped in the prison but there are some good criminals who will help them survive.  This is a standard episode with police and law programs.

When You Watch, You’ll Notice   When someone, even the hero or heroine,  receives a phone call or a note indicating “meet me at an address, the park, the pier, the cemetery, and be alone”, they do it.  Things do not go well. Kidnappers always warn not to call the police. Someone does. “The drop” of the ransom money goes awry despite the presence of police or heroes hiding in the bushes or watching with binoculars. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice   When suspects are tired of answering questions they just get up and leave. “Is that all you have? We’re done here”.  The police just look at each in frustration giving the suspect, whom we all hate by now, the last word.  Just like in real life. Suspects always get the last word in during questioning sessions until the end when they (often) weepingly confess.

When You Watch, You’ll Notice    After a program has been on television for a number of years that actors you’ve seen previously in one role appear in new roles?  A villain two years ago is now a witness or vice versa. The show develops a reparatory company. Murder, She Wrote, Perry Mason and British mysteries are prime examples. In British mysteries they will hop from role to role and show to show. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice    Someone, usually a policeman or detective, is at some time is taking notes writing on small pad.  Are they really taking notes?  I think not. Dialogue is occurring and the person is scribbling and watching the dialogue at the same time.  Wouldn’t you love to see what they wrote? There they are, pad and pencil, listening and making writing motions, often while walking, writing who knows what while the conversation unfolds. Sometimes they hold the pad and don’t write at all, the pen just hovers over the pad as they watch the questioning.

When You Watch, You’ll Notice  Whenever a witness or suspect is being questioned outside the police station, they’re always very busy and engaged in activities such as cutting flowers, folding shirts, checking lists, drinking, emptying trash, packing a suitcase, picking up things and putting them somewhere else, repairing a car, putting the glasses with the poison residue in the dish washer or putting blood-stained clothes in the washing machine as they answer questions. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice   That we all should have invested in Lumenol years ago. Lumenol for the presence of blood is freely sprayed everywhere and on everyone all the time? Have you ever noticed that the villain fails to get that last drop of blood out of the trunk of the car? Joke:  Lawyer is visiting the accused.  Lawyer: “I have good news and bad news for you”.  Accused: “OK, give me the bad news first”.  Lawyer: “your blood matches the blood found along with the victims’ on the murder weapon”. Accused: “and what’s the good news?”.  Lawyer: “Your cholesterol is down to 140”. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice  And, this applies to all movies and television regardless of category, if they actually swallow the food or beverage during an eating and or drinking scene….multiple takes of a scene could be filling… Actors bite into real food during the scenes, but rarely swallow. Since multiple takes are required to get the scene just right, actors spit the food into a bucket between takes. That’s why this viewer watches to see if the bite from the hamburger is swallowed. Same with a beverage.  Watch the throat. Also, always observe the beverage levels in the glasses or bottles.  Frequently there are different levels for different takes. That is a continuity error. We will discuss that later.  While they occasionally put the food in the mouth, they spend most of the time moving the food around the plate with a knife and fork or sometimes, chop sticks.  Although cigarettes are still present, no one actually smokes and sometimes there is not even smoke. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice Suicides are never ever suicides! This includes hangings, shootings, slitting wrists in the bathtub, throat cutting or pill popping or watching Celebrity Family Feud on a 24-hour loop.  Why do the villains even bother?  Because the police will usually immediately label it suicide that’s why.  We know it’s not suicide even before we discover that the victim was right-handed and was shot with the left hand and there is no gunshot residue. He couldn’t have kicked the chair out from under himself because the rope is too long/short. Or, “it’s a clove-hitch knot. He didn’t know how to tie a clove-hitch knot!”. Cyanide “Almonds! I smell bitter almonds”.

When You Watch, You’ll Notice  Becoming a popular TV crime trend is one murder,  with multiple episodes to solve.  Allows more time for the dreaded Soap Opera Subplot. We have the main plot, which is solving a murder or robbery, but not so fast……. Tension, tension, tension and more tension……  detective/sleuth is always dealing with a personal or family drama subplot at the same time. This takes up a substantial part of each episode(s).  There is friction among co-workers. Romantic entanglements are required.   The old boss leaves and meet the new boss. Friction occurs. There can be the aging parent, the ex-wife’s/husbands’ stepdaughter needs a kidney transplant or the long-lost father/mother/brother/sister/wife/husband/son/daughter/pet gerbil suddenly reappears.  Or, an obnoxious teenager is being obnoxious, throwing the private life into chaos and leaking over into the main story. Sassy teenagers and Gen Zers are a popular and very annoying trend.  Enough! Please stop!  Let’s have more sassy teenage victims in the first episode and be rid of them for the rest of the show I say! Troubled marriages are always good for 15-20 minutes in every episode too.  This results in the stars answering the inevitable phone call saying “no, I don’t know why he/she left you” or “I’ll be late for dinner”, or “I can’t come get you out of jail just now”, or “you’ll have to find someone to pick up the kids from school/practice/the Voodoo ceremony”, “no, I don’t know where the Brita filters are”.  This occurs while he/she is at the scene of the murder, preparing to storm a building or performing brain surgery. In multiple episodes, single murder shows, there is always tension between the lead characters or at the police station or in the courtroom. Programs with multiple episodes involving just one murder are just wrong and should be avoided, or you can just skip to the final episode.  I do. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice The “where’s your warrant?” syndrome.  “Not without a warrant.” Usually, the detectives look at each other in frustration as if it never occurred to them to get a warrant, giving the temporary conversational victory to the suspect. But sometimes, if detectives are clever they will say OK, we’ll just contact the media, the IRS, your wife instead….. and the obnoxious clerk, nurse, doctor, accountant, functionary will capitulate. Getting records from the phone company is always problematic. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice   That when the raid on the apartment, warehouse, home, deserted building, is conducted the show’s stars - faces grim and determined, - are always up front of the other police, SWAT Team, army platoon, and first into the dangerous situation while holding their guns with two hands pointed downwards while yelling “police!” and then everyone runs into rooms takes turns yelling “clear”.  This is frequently accompanied by bongos on the soundtrack. “Clear” is also a favorite medical exclamation when defibrillator paddles are used. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice No matter how carefully the hero, heroine, police, detectives carefully plan their arrest or trap………….something will go wrong.  Police in front, police in back, police all around, somehow the suspect manages to climb out of a window (bathroom?), or run down a convenient alley, or climb up to the roof and jump to the next building, or through the park or woods, (they never stumble or fall), or just run across the street.  Then they either A – escape, or B – finally be captured after using up 5 minutes or so of plot time while bowling over pedestrians until a tackle occurs. Knocking over fruit carts is popular in urban chases.   Sometimes the suspect escapes the trap and commandeers a car and then we have a car chase too because we never get tired of car chases, do we?

When You Watch, You’ll Notice  That all animal sounds, particularly the meows of cats are amplified and very loud when cats are in the scene? British mysteries are fond of fox screeches. Usually, the villain in the hoodie is presently outside watching the house while a fox screeches. Have you ever noticed - Computer typing on screen. When the actors typing on computers, we hear the enhanced sound of loud clicking as their fingers dance across the keyboard and Have you ever noticed they are not really typing words?  Also, computer searches are faster than any of us have ever conducted.  Someone says, “Get me all the information known on people named Quindarius with childhood acne, background on every election in Nebraska between 1920 and 2005 and people with criminal records who have a mole below the left ear” ………fingers swiftly fox-trot across the keyboard, keyboard sounds amplified, and within seconds, voila, there it is on the screen. Just like in real life.  Everyone huddles around to look.

When You Watch, You’ll Notice  Anyone in a hoodie, especially outside a home at night or chasing someone through the woods, or anywhere for that matter, is up to no good.

When You Watch, You’ll Notice   In British Mysteries, people and things get “sorted”. Sorted can be straightening out, reprimanded or arrested.  British jails are “the Nick”. Criminals can also be “nicked”. Sorted and nicked are very versatile Britishisms. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice  When questioned a suspect “went for a walk” or “drove around” at the time of the murder in the absence of an alibi. On one recent show, a suspect claimed to have “driven around “for two hours. Not suspicious at all. Home with spouse or relative is no longer accepted as an alibi. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice   That the most annoying, obnoxious suspects, the ones you really hate and want to be the killer, are rarely the murderer?

When You Watch, You’ll Notice  Product placement? It is also known as a "plug" or "writing commercials right into a show" or “embedded marketing”.  It can be fascinating and is the practice of prominently displaying or talking about a recognizable product in a program, in exchange for some consideration from the manufacturer, usually monetary. Cars and beverages are popular. The camera makes sure we know they are drinking a certain brand or driving a particular make of car. Big money has changed hands, and we are seeing a commercial even though we think we are watching the show that occurs between commercials. Sometimes an entire program is product placement such as Pontiac Trans Am in Knight Rider or the 1969 Dodge Charger in Dukes of Hazzard, or designer shoes in Sex and the City, or Junior Mints in Seinfeld, or Microsoft in Hawaii Five-O (the awful remake, not the Jack Lord original).  Mostly it is just the brand name of a product turned towards the camera during a scene. If there is no product placement, i.e. money has not changed hands, the label is turned away from the camera. However, we always know if they are using Apple or Microsoft because we always see the logo on back of the computer.

When You Watch, You’ll Notice Security cameras or alarms are always out of order when we need to see a suspect or observe the commission of a crime?  Or someone explains “after two months, two weeks, two days, we just record over the old one”. There is never CCTV in the alley where the body was found.

Have you ever noticed   That during a multi season run of a show there is always an episode that deals with a massive accident episode, like a chemical spill or a ferry boat crash, a sniper, or a truck pile up or a building collapse, fire or possible death of a main character that causes frantic activity by emergency workers, firefighters, police, and then into the Emergency Room. This occasionally usually means we’ll have a Crossover, a “(very) special event”.   Crossovers are programs with multiple stars from multiple shows getting together for multiple hours or episodes to solve the problem. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice   Cliffhanger endings are popular both for a multi-episode plot or the final episode of a season. Sometimes this backfires for the viewer if the show is cancelled after the cliffhanger ending and we’ll never know if she comes out of the coma or who his father is, or worse, if the male and female crime solvers who flirted through the year will consummate the relationship. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice Dozens of extras walking around and chatting and looking very busy and no one hears them while the principal characters are sitting facing each other conversing.  This can occur in the squad rooms of the police stations, hospital hallways, laboratories, media offices, restaurants or while walking through a park or down a street.  Have you ever seen so many nurses and doctors and clipboards in a hospital?  Squad rooms are usually mobbed. No one hears these people. Although chatting, they make no sound. The principal characters begin talking to each other and extras start moving around, standing up, sitting down, walking out of doors, walking in doors. The arrest of prostitutes, mostly attractive and always acting insolently while scantily dressed, in the background as well as other assorted “perps” at police stations seems popular. They could be doing back flips from desk to desk, having gurney races for all the effect it has on principal character exchanges.  Also, even though we are privy to the main conversation, evidently no one else in the area can hear it. This is like lawyer/client conversations we’ve already noted.

When You Watch, You’ll Notice   The copious amounts of alcohol consumed at all times of the day with apparently no effect of the consumer.  Drinking is also a favorite past time while being questioned by the heroine/hero. The amber liquid is usually conveniently located in a decanter, poured and ice or water added while the suspect explains that he went for a walk or was taking a nap or went for a drive while the victim was being poisoned, stabbed, shot, bludgeoned or bored to death. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice   Continuity errors. The University of Oxford explains that a continuity error is a lapse in the self-consistency of the scene or story being portrayed. Example being cameras or other film equipment caught in reflections. Going way back, we remember in the hilariously bad show Dark Shadows, an entire scene being shot with a boom mike directly over the head of Barnabas Collins.  Also, notice objects disappearing and reappearing from the scene or actor's eyelines not matching between shots. Height differences are fun too.  Sometimes one character is taller and when the focus is switched, the other character is taller.  Note actors using different physical movements from shot to shot. There are also props that move inconsistently.  Shadows lengthen or shorten, sunny day to cloudy day and back, or, and we are ever vigilant about this, a drink in a glass that spontaneously empties and replenishes itself over the course of a scene. Probably the most famous continuity error occurred in Game of Thrones during the final season when a stray Starbucks cup (mochaccino mocha oleate Frappuccino decaf latte?) was sitting on a wooden table next to Daenerys Targaryen. Someone had to pay for that one. There were also plastic water bottles near Samwell Tarly’s and Ser Davos’s feet in the final episode.

When You Watch, You’ll Notice   When the double for the actor/actress substitutes (stand ins) for the actor? Usually, it’s the back of the head or a distance shot where we see the “stars” getting out of a car and entering a building. We’re always on the lookout for stand ins, especially the stunt people in action scenes. They keep their chins down and heads partially turned. Hats help too. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice Scene and mood setting music.  Hero or heroine enters a house or sneaks around a corner or runs through the woods and the music is suspenseful. Tinkling sounds at night are popular and are frequently a harbinger of something bad happening. We would like to see the music switched so when the hero/heroine is stealthy sneaking from room to room we hear the Looney Tunes theme or an instrumental version of “76 Trombones” (from the Music Man) during a love scene. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice  That it is usually (always?) a woman screaming when discovering a dead body?

When You Watch, You’ll Notice   Have you ever noticed that no one ever notices that someone is hiding in the back seat of the car?

When You Watch, You’ll Notice    Have you ever noticed that the cast always meets in the same bar or restaurant after work?  Apparently, they have no other friends. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice    Color coordination in scenes as the set colors and the actors’ costumes or outfits always match the decor. Can be fascinating. This is another instance when I can lose track of the plot. There is usually one dominant color. An actor will be wearing the color. Flowers enhance. Furniture too. 

When You Watch, You’ll Notice    That minor roles in year one of a program will grow from episode to episode as the show lasts from year to year unless they are killed off, which, of course will take an entire episode with oodles of angst…….a special Television Event.  Margaret likes to look up why they left the show……contract dispute? Ambition?  When a new major character is introduced, there is always friction with the other main characters but eventually everyone is BFFs. 

 When You Watch, You’ll Notice   There are lots of female crime solvers nowadays with more appearing as we speak. Thank you, Agatha Christie. Masterpiece Theater the BBC, Acorn, Britbox and Hallmark Mystery are prime examples. We must say a few words about the Hallmark Mysteries.  While they are not particularly deep, they follow the template of the traditional mystery. They also feature some atrocious acting, gobs of syrup, and you’ll probably identify the murderer fairly quickly, but they are lots of fun in their badness.   There is clearly a reparatory company with the same actors bouncing around from show to show. Most look alike so it’s hard to tell them apart sometimes.  British mysteries also feature multiple show reparatory companies.  We’ve counted some actors/actresses who have appeared in up to six different series. Sometimes our viewing is interrupted as we research what shows that familiar face has appeared in.  Margaret is excellent in the art of identifying a familiar face in a past performance. “She was the wife of the villain in “Midsommer Murders.” “He was a detective in Death in Paradise. She was the murderer in a Poirot episode.”  Margaret is also non paralleled when spotting actor age discrepancies. She will inform that the male college student romancing the coed is actually 34 years old even though he is playing a 21-year old. Likewise, that female love interest of the 50 something guy is actually 15 years older than him in real life. But we digress. 

Meanwhile back at a typical Hallmark mystery, as we’ve said, these plots are not particularly complicated although they do attempt to throw in the occasional red herring.  Carrying on the tradition of Wilkie Collins pioneering detective novel, The Moonstone, a climactic scene is de reguer. The overly long exciting climax, as we’ve seen in many other detective shows involves the villain who has trapped the heroine in the woods (she has already fallen a few times), the basement, the abandoned building, a sauna, a deserted street, the sawmill, a car……. He/she calmly reaches into a purse/drawer /under a pillow and pulls out a gun/knife. The heroine is always alone. This is because when told to “wait here” by someone…….she NEVER does and off she goes and that’s what gets her into this pickle.  Surprise!  Alone as always, she is cornered by the villain, and they will engage in a Socratic dialogue explaining why and how the murder(s) were committed***. Flashbacks are mandatory. Meanwhile the manly hero/love interest who has been knocked out or is on the way to the scene but not quite there yet, or gone to the wrong address, or just said to someone at the police station or newspaper, or antiques shop, “where’s Emma?”, does not, repeat does not, ever save the day.  Sometimes the heroine beats up the villain and then runs away, only to be caught and beats him (her) up again, and then hides, breathless, chest heaving in fear while the villain, who has already been punched and kicked and is clearly a glutton for punishment continues the relentless pursuit only until, you guessed it, get knocked down again.  If a gun is involved and is knocked to the floor during the struggle, the heroine always gets to it first.  When the heroine is locked in a basement, attic, sinking ship, sauna or ice room, she will come up with a McGiveresque method of escape. By this time the manly hero, and love interest, arrives. He may or may not be beat up by the villain, but this gives our heroine an opportunity go get the situation under control and save the day.  They engage in a chaste but heavy breathing embrace, heroine’s head facing the camera. He is usually a square jawed stubbled detective, so while they embrace the arrest is made by conveniently appearing patrolmen.  Then we spend the final five minutes of the program hearing the detective or her mother or her aunt, or co-worker/friend shaking their heads while gazing lovingly at her, “Oh Aurora/Constance/Jane/Hannah/Birdie/Goldie/Sophie/Nikki/Nora/Francesca/Ali/Zee/Angie/

Allie/Ruby/Alex/Amy/Tess/Emma/Haily/Billie/Shannon/Abby/Maggie/Samantha/ You’re always finding dead bodies. How do you always get mixed up in these things?”. 

 Now you may be thinking that having such a perceptive individual as your observer on hand verbally noticing things might be just a tad annoying to someone else who just wants to watch the program. Yes, it is annoying. It’s very annoying. Don’t invite me to watch a mystery with you. Please note I would never do this in the movies but since I don’t go to the movies it is a moot point. I really try to control myself, but it is an ongoing battle as I’m a serial noticer and commenter on noticing. Sometimes I’m so busy noticing that I lose track of the plot. Margaret has to bring me up to speed. She bears the brunt of my noticing.  I know it is bothersome for her. Yet somehow, because she is a saint, she resists from hurling objects.  Athough it would not be the TV remote to be hurled since somehow, it always ends up at my side (something to do with the laws of physics I believe).  Unfortunately, during an occasional rare loss of control, I will blurt out something like “he’s holding a cigarette but there’s no smoke”. Margaret ignores me.  She is very good at that.  Sometimes she calmly says, “would you like to watch something else?” Shuts me right up. Now, instead of mentioning that James Spader tilts his head emphatically when he speaks, no matter what the role, I take mental notes or send myself a text and then add it to an essay on what to watch for in crime shows.  

Haven’t stopped watching crime mysteries though.  There are always new ones with gimmicks, detective going blind, fish out of water characters such as the detective transferred to a Caribbean Island from London, Asperger detective……. We love the new locales. There are mysteries in New Zealand, Scotland, France with subtitles, Italy with subtitles, Iceland with shivering, Australia, Ireland, Northern Ireland, ………And they will all follow the same pattern. The consistencies we’ve identified, and there may be more, will guide you through your viewing until at some point, like me, you may lose track of the plot while comparing color schemes.  Glad we could help. 

 

*Twelve actresses who have portrayed Agatha Christie’s classic amateur detective, that little old lady, Jane Marple.  Joan Hickson, from 1984-1992 is the most faithful to the original character. 

 

*** Regarding the climax in which the villain pulls out the gun or knife and a discussion ensues, we are always reminded of Eli Wallach in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Eli is playing a Mexican bandit named Tuco. Tuco is taking a bubble bath in an abandoned town (don’t ask).  Suddenly, a man bursts in holding a gun accusing Tuco of killing his wife, burning his home and stealing his cattle. Tuco shoots him with the gun he is hiding in the bubbles and says “It you’re gonna shoot, shoot. Don’t talk”. 

  

Sources:

https://www.novelsuspects.com/articles/a-brief-history-of-whodunit/

https://www.biblio.com/blog/2020/01/a-brief-history-of-mystery-books/?srsltid=AfmBOopeSYZn30Z6nUvF1STlQIrmVtHrIgz5vv9ZfA1fTTcAe_TJO0d4

https://thrillingdetective.com/2018/09/06/television-chronological/

https://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/world-records/first-crime-show-on-tv#:~:text=Telecrime%20(BBC%2C%201938–39,by%20J%20B%20Rowe%2C%20UK).

 https://murdershewatched.com/detective-database/

 https://mastersofmystery.com/blogs/latest/1875-to-2025-150-years-of-murder-mystery-how-it-began-and-why-it-became-popular?srsltid=AfmBOoo91TiAEhT7qDdnQFTLTqbnrHDfCxpYzrNLRMAr9UlLn--OyRZl

https://nebraskapublicmedia.org/documents/349/MysteryFiction.pdf