 |
Author: the writer of a literary work (such as a book)
: one that originates or creates something…………………Definition - Miriam Webster Dictionary
While composing this essay, I found it difficult to read my notes because of the water but more on that later.
In early April I accepted an invitation to participate in a “Local Author Meet and Greet” at our area library on May 20. Author? Moi? Well, I guess I am an author, but it sounds strange.
I filled out some forms, submitted them via email and that was it. On May 19 I received a call from Mary Ann, the librarian, asking me to arrive between 12 and 12:45. I arrived at 12:10 for the 1p.m. to 4 p.m. session. Much to my disappointment, there were no tents outside the library for people who had camped all night to be first in and get a signed copy of my book, nor were there any lines of people extending into the parking lot. There were no lines and all. In fact, there were no people. The parking lots were empty but for three cars: the librarian’s, mine and one other. I knew there would be more cars because there would be six authors. Yes, the joy of six.
Earlier that morning I felt a minor itch on my face. Absentmindedly, I scratched it. Post scratch I thought, “oy vey, could it be a mosquito bite?” It wasn’t a mosquito bite. It was two mosquito bites. Big ones. They were right next to each other on my chin so from a distance, say one foot or so, they looked like one enormous zit. I looked and felt like a 16-year-old on the morning of the Junior Prom, only now I had to go face the public with an itchy face.
First thing to do was set up my table display. Each six ft long table had three chairs, one for the local author and two on the opposite side for the visitors. I’m sure had people known that there were only two chairs per table there would have been those lines outside waiting to get in. It could have looked like Walmart opening the doors on Black Friday. I had brought six copies of The Man With Three Arms and Other Stories, single copies of the March, April, May, and June Gnus Almanacs (with each running to 700 plus pages, they are a bit heavy), 10 copies each of the essays, “Scientists Review the Gnus Almanacs” and “Praise for The Man With Three Arms”….., 10 single pages of my website and blog site ( 72 font), for people to take with them, my laptop and a bag of corks . This being my first Meet the Author day, without being too obvious I cast surreptitious glances at the tables of the other authors for hints on how to set up my table for the optimum visitor experience. Some had books stands, there was one with a cardboard box, and everyone had multiple copies of their books.
The laptop was set for my blog, Bloggish Blether, so visitors could see a sample of my recent essay, Ghost Writers in the Sky, which examines the phenomenon of dead authors continuing to produce books after becoming deceased. Unfortunately, I forgot to change the sleep time on the laptop and after every 10 minutes it went into screen saver mode and people would see my screen saver picture of the liverwurst hero sandwich I had last summer. It is a view of an open sandwich with the Boars Head liverwurst on one side and my artistic splashes of Gray Poupon mustard on the other side. There are two spears of Boars Head kosher dill pickles next to the sandwich and a bottle of orange soda, because orange soda should be paired with liverwurst to complete the culinary and photographic masterpiece. Since the laptop was facing outwards towards the audience and I was behind it, I was unaware of liverwurst display screen saving mode activation until about 30 minutes into the session. A gentleman asked me the meaning of the picture on my laptop. Whoops! I had to get up and walk around to the front of the table put in my password and log myself in again. Rinse and repeat several times as I kept neglecting to keep the screen active until I just shut the thing off and put the laptop away. I was the only one with a laptop anyway, probably the only one who likes liverwurst. Suffice to say, the laptop failed to enhance the table browsing experience. The “review” essays were up front in the middle of the table and the corks were on the left. Why corks? You may ask. This former science teacher trainer always brought an “interactive activity” to every presentation, and I thought this would make for an interesting experience for visitors. The cork drop activity is based on Archimedes’ center of gravity principle. One holds the cork horizontally above a flat surface and drops it. The object is to have the cork land on an end. I provided a demonstration sheet taped to the table with Margaret’s hand showing the position of the cork pre drop. That took up a bit of space and so the table was crowded with materials even without the laptop.
The other authors included the head of the local historical society who has written historical novels based on “real life incidents”, a gentleman promoting his book of “dark, violent teenage angst” (he was the one with the cardboard box of books), a husband and wife with their books Birds of Pennsylvania and Birds of Vermont, the co-author of Real Time Parenting, a guide to parenting, and a popular local author, but I never got a closeup look at her display. The “dark violent “guy was an unabashed salesman, giving out books on said teenage girl angst advising that they were “dark and violent”. He repeated it quite a few times. Evidently, he needed some number of reviews in Amazon to achieve some algorithm that was unclear, but we were advised that all his reviews were 4 and 5 star so we presume there is an audience for “dark and violent” teenage girl angst. We all got a book. I put mine in my box behind the table. The bird people had a large fold out pop-up bird book with bird calls as their centerpiece. It was a jungle motif although I’m not sure how that fit in with Birds of Pennsylvania and Vermont. We were treated to a cacophony of chirps, chips, buzzes, tweets and caws while I looked around for Tarzan and Cheetah to arrive. Mercifully, while keeping the book open, they turned off the hooting and screeching.
If you’ve ever seen a job fair, there was a resemblance to a job fair. We all sat behind our tables and visitors sat on chairs (two were provided) in the front of the table facing us as if we were conducting interviews. Turnout was, shall we say, underwhelming. 25 people over three hours. By 2:00 I was bored. My notes say, “please make it end”. I eventually I realized that everyone, including me, had the same spiel when a new person came to the table, so I heard, “based on a real life duel”, “there are several kinds of hummingbirds”, “dark and violent”, and “see the child in front of you” quite a few times. Just like the other authors heard “hold the cork like this…..” fairly often.
The Cork Challenge was a bit of a success. The corks were attention grabbers. Everyone who visited my display was instructed to give it a try. I would hold up the bag of corks and say “we went out to dinner last night and got these”. This got me some strange looks. I also gave everyone a free hint for success. Our friend Karen came by. After a dozen or so tries and fails, she accused me of having defective corks, bid farewell for the time being and went to visit other authors before returning, determined to succeed. Success! The prize for dropping the cork correctly was that you get to keep the cork. Some people did but Karen said she already had plenty of corks at home and turned down the fabulous prize. Mary Ann, the librarian had a few tries before we opened to the public but, alas, failed. She came back about an hour later, sat down, and said, “I’m going to get this” and so she did although she also turned down the prized of a free cork.
You may recall the list of items I had carefully and thoughtfully placed on display. There was also a glass of water which had been added during one of my moments of boredom. Note that it was during another of those moments that I decided to turn the experience into an essay. I got to get up, walk across the room, fill the glass at the refreshment table and then walk back. Yes, it was that tedious at times.
During one break between visitors, I visited the author at the next table. She had co-written a book on parenting. We discussed parenting and, in my case, grandparenting. It was quite interesting, and she gave me a copy of her book which can be a very effective tool for parents and I’ll give it to my son and daughter in law for grandson advice. I gave her a copy of The Man With Three Arms……. and went back to my table, straightened out some handouts and knocked over my full glass of water. There was a lot of water. There was a lot of table for it to cover and it was doing its best. Embarrassing? Yes, but apparently no one had noticed so I pretended it never happened. However, it did happen and like the rising waters of a river flooding over its banks after a heavy rain, the liquid slowly oozed across the table from left (my “review handouts”), past my notes, below my book samples, thank goodness and inexorably towards my computer at the other end. I was doing well at pretending nothing happened, I think, and nonchalantly, but quickly crossed the room and grabbed 2 handfuls of napkins from the refreshment table – cookies, bags of popcorn, and apple juice - and brought them back for H2O containment. I was surprised had how much water was lapping against one of my folders and how many napkins it took to restore order. It required a second nonchalant trip across the room. The laptop and books were saved but I evidently missed a couple of spots and so when our friend Jan arrived shortly afterwards, she showed me a copy of an article I had written for this month’s Village View, “Decoration Day = Memorial Day.” I announced I would sign it and placed it on the table………….in one of the remaining puddles. She quickly, but not quickly enough, grabbed the now sodden paper exclaiming “look, the ink is running”. “Just like the water”, I thought. I apologized profusely and told her I would get another copy of the article since I knew the author. By now page one of my pages of notes to write this essay was also a victim of the flood and one large mushy blur as were several website pages.
There are three rules for writing the book. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.” W. Somerset Maugham……………
My handouts included “Reviews of “Man………” by such notables as Homer, Shakespeare, Dickenson and Hemingway among others. Hemingway said “it’s better than dying…….alone in the rain”. There were also copies of Scientists Review The Gnus which included such notables as Galileo, Albert Einstein, Marie Curie and several others including Hemingway, even though he wasn’t a scientist, just because I like the rain quote. Everyone who came to the table got a copy. I gave one to a friend who purchased my book a few months ago. She perused the “Reviews” sheets but clearly not carefully and said, “where’s my name?” among the reviewers. It wasn’t on the list of reviewers. Another friend asked her to read more vigilantly, and she was no longer concerned when she read the complete list again. She kept her copy.
Our friends, Jerry and Marie, Bill and Kelley, and Jan and Rich came and went. I thanked them all for coming down the mountain into town. All had been to lunch first, so I wasn’t the top priority of their afternoon. Jerry said he and Marie had been at First Place diner for lunch and he had a Cuban sandwich. I wondered if the Cuban objected. After this they were going to the local garden center “to get dirt” according to Jerry. Thinking of priorities, I thanked him for placing me below the Cuban sandwich and above the dirt in their afternoon schedule.
It ain’t whatcha write, it’s the way atcha write it.”—Jack Kerouac,
Karen, thrilled with her cork drop success, purchased a book for her friend which I, of course, inscribed which was when I learned that my Sharpie was medium point, not fine point so the inscription looked a bit thick and blurry. I had brought the Sharpie because I had read somewhere that authors use Sharpies to sign their books. This may or may not be true but don’t use a medium point if you do. I signed a the newest edition of Man…….for Kelley who had been the first to purchase the first edition of The Man ………. My inscription read, “This One is Better. “. I sold and signed a book to visitors Dave and Candi. I spelled Candy with a y and she was shaking her head as I looked up and said, “you got it wrong, it should be an i”. I apologized. She said it was “O.K”. I said, “no it isn’t” and crossed out the y at the end of her name, wrote “I” and then penned “it should have been an i” and signed my name.
Several visitors asked where Margaret was. As I left home, she had informed me that she could spend the afternoon cooking – she prepares delicious meals that we can eat over a period of weeks - or come down to visit me. This was her subtle way of telling me she wasn’t coming.
The choice was easy.
By 3:30 it was just five of us authors, the “dark, violent” guy had left around 2:30, and so we were enjoying exchanging anecdotes and ISBN number stories. The local Fire Department was having a fund-raising Chicken BBQ that afternoon and we began to wonder if perhaps our low turnout could be attributed to people preferring BBQ chicken to books. Then we wondered if there would be anymore chicken left when we were done at 4:00. I tried to reassure everyone that they had an ample supply of gerbils if they ran out of chicken. I got some strange looks and they were not reassured. Just when we thought “that’s it” for the session, the head, Chair? President? Grand Poobah? Of the Library board showed up and so we all had to repeat our spiels ……..“based on a real life duel”, “there are several kinds of hummingbirds”, “dark and violent”, and “see the child in front of you” one more time even though she was not going to purchase anything. I was 2nd to last as she worked her way around the room counterclockwise, and she probably wanted to get to the Chicken BBQ before they broke out the gerbils. She stood there nodding at my “daily events over the last 2,000 years or so”. She was interested in the corks, however. Everyone was interested in the corks. While she was busy with a halfhearted try at the cork, I noticed a few soggy napkins on the table which disintegrated when I tried to pick them up and landed on Scientists Review the Gnus. No one noticed. As it was now time to pack up and leave, I used them to wipe off the table when my books were back in the carrying box.
All my handouts were handed out, other than the victims of the water glass deluge. I still had almost all the corks although one woman took three. Sitting around for three hours or so can be wearing and so at 4:00, tired but relieved that it was over, all of us authors said how nice it was to meet each other and then said our goodbyes. I drove home and completely forgot to go to the Chicken BBQ. I understand they did well.
Reading your stories is like talking to you……………..reader to John Cafarella.
