"It's amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading comics digitally." Howard, The Big Bang Theory.
Northeast Golf is a golf equipment store located in Enyon, Pa. It’s barely Enyon because you pass through Archibald Pa. to get there. We’re not sure where one begins and one ends. Mt. Cobb gets involved at one point. Directions to Northeast Golf include such major arteries as Turn right onto Keystone Ave, turn right onto Gino Merli Dr. and left onto Sturges Rd/Wildcat Rd. We pass many sites enroute including lots of warehouses that are popping up like pimples on a 13 year old, the Susquehanna River and most importantily, the house painted in a very bright lavender. It used to have an olive-green front door. It was eye catching and we would slow down in the car and conversation would pause as we passed to admire it and wonder who would paint their house bright lavender and think that olive green was a good match. Every other house we passed was a standard house color but this was pure genius. Then, tragically, the owners painted the front door white. It’s just not the same and makes us sad. Now, instead of admiring it, we snarkally remark on what was lost, sort of like seeing the site of where the since torn down old Penn Station used to be in Manhattan.
Northeast Golf is a small store located in a strip mall between a Subway and a Fine Wines and Spirits. Conveniently, in the lot next to the strip mall there is an NBT Bank. The lot next to the bank contains a Dunkin’ Donuts. The liquor store, the bank and Dunkin’ Donuts are important to our story. We have never set foot in the Subway although it came in handy during the Incident of the Broken Nose on Bloody Saturday. The proprietor of Northeast Golf, Ed, is a former Superintendent of the Scranton Municipal Golf Course (another landmark gone, sadly lost during Covid), a member of the Golf Course Superintendents Association of America (that means he plays for free just about everywhere), a former coach of a high school golf team, and possesses an encyclopedic knowledge of golf equipment and technique. Through the years, he has become our friend, and we refer to him as “Uncle Ed” even though he is younger than us.
We first met Ed at the Scranton “Muni” golf course where we would play weekly. Inevitably we got to chatting about various subject and discovered that we had a lot in common. Ed liked to sell golf clubs. We liked to buy golf clubs. One year, we encountered Ed, not at the golf course, but at The Scranton Golf Show. Being a fairly typical Poconos areas Golf Show, most of the participants were roofers, plumbers, realtors, and other contractors. There was also a “Win a Free Trip to Myrtle Beach” booth. They gave away free pens. Mine had run dry. Not knowing this in advance, the show that is, not the inkless pen, and it being winter, and we had nothing better to do, we attended the Golf Show and there was Ed. In fact, Ed was the Golf Show. He was the only golf related vendor there. Although, come to think of it, the people who live in homes on golf courses may interested in window replacements. Naturally, we got to chatting some more since most attendees were looking at plumbing, roofs, and hot tubs so business was slow. Ed extolled the wonders of his store, Northeast Golf and we received invitations to visit. It was the beginning of a beautiful romance.
Winters here in the Poconos are unpleasant. No, they are horrible. Let me count the ways……but so much for my digression. It was winter that brought us, Jerry, aka Gben, Todd, aka Coach, and I, aka The Blade, to Northeast Golf. We didn’t purchase anything we just chatted with Ed about golf. Now we visit as many as five or six times a year and through the years our discussions have come to include sports, he’s a Green Bay Packers fan, and music, he’s a classic rock fan and, of course, always golf clubs. One day music fan. Ed told us about his visit to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He was excited. This would be like visiting the Louvre for a classic rock aficionado. It was July. Unfortunately, the Hall of Fame was featuring a “Christmas in July” theme. The displays and music played were guess what. He and his wife traveled all the way to Cleveland for Jingle Bell Rock……. but we always circle back to golf and we have spent a lot of money on golf equipment. A lot.
There was a TV sitcom a few years ago called The Big Bang Theory and, in several episodes, the main protagonists, male, would spend several scenes in The Comic Book Store. It sold comic books. They would have discussions on various subjects while thumbing through stacks of comic books. At Northeast Golf we have discussions while picking up and idly swinging various golf clubs. Someone almost always has a golf club in hand. One day Jerry’s daughter, Gina, asked him what we do during our trips to Northeast Golf. He described our activities and discussions in great detail. She said, “oh, just like the Comic Book Store.” And it IS just like the Comic Book Store. That is our behavior. From that moment, we have called it The Comic book Store. “Want to go to the Comic Book Store on Saturday?” can be heard several times during the year. Thanks Gina although this has resulted in some complications for us when questions arise about why we call it the comic book store. People familiar with the TV show usually know what we’re talking about but may require some details about the comic book store episodes. People who have neither seen nor heard of the show require detailed explanations as their eyes glaze over and open-eyed coma ensues.
One enters the Comic Book Store to a soundtrack of loud classic rock. On the right is Ed’s counter with his cash register and counter displays of golf ball markers and martini tees for hitting golf balls. They are shaped exactly like a martini glass. He even has a golf ball museum. Well, I call it a golf ball museum because he displays a history of golf balls through the ages display. Well, it’s not really a museum, it’s about 12” by 12” and there are four tiered dust covered rows showing the evolution of golf balls. I think he got it at a yard sale. Ed is usually behind the counter. You will find several golf clubs that Ed has repaired leaning against the counter. On the left, opposite Ed as you enter can be found unopened cartons of golf clubs that have been delivered. Ed is still working on his unpacking and displaying skills so the boxes can sit there for a whlle. To the left of the unopened cartons is/are the ladies golf club sets and golf club bags. To the left of them, against the wall, begins the men’s golf club sets and club displays. Callaway and Cleveland are featured. Straight ahead as you come in the door and just to the right of the end of the blood stain on the rug, is the elevated putter sales display. Just step up about 6 inches to enter. I call it “Putterama”, an array featuring the putters of various companies, all expensive. The putters, form a semi-circle surrounding a rather worn carpet with some ripples, and two “holes”. This is for trying out the putters knocking a golf ball into a “hole”. Exiting Putterama, make a left by Ed’s counter and you’ll find dozens of brands of golf balls for sale both stacked and mounted on carousels. To the right of them, against the wall are hats, towels and various golf essentials. But beyond the Putterarama, is the heart of the Comic Book Store, many more golf clubs featuring brands such as Ping (Ed describes himself as “a Ping Guy”), Cobra, Tour Edge, Titlest, TaylorMade and Wilson. We spend a lot of time here, checking prices, swinging the clubs and carrying on our continuing conversations with Ed. Todd, nicknamed “Coach” due to his ability to “read” putting greens, is a golf club savant. He knows the model numbers of every new golf club that comes out. There are new models every year. Golf clubs resemble cars in that way. Some people can tell the difference. Apparently, Todd memorizes the monthly issues of Golf Magazine and other important literature for the latest and greatest. Sometimes it seems that he changes drivers (that’s the largest club) as often as the weather changes in the Poconos. He gets a club, uses it for a while, finds another, falls in love with another and trades in the old club. He’s a bit promiscuous when it comes to drivers. Ed is happy. He takes trade ins…..just like cars. Also in the rear of the store are the golf shoes and apparel. We have never purchased either, but it is important to know where everything is located because of me and coffee.
A spring highlight of the Comic Book Store visits is “Demo Days”. A Demo Day features a sales representative from a golf company bringing an assortment of golf clubs, always the latest models, for customers to try and hopefully purchase. The rep comes armed with machinery including simulators that measure swing speed and various ball behaviors such as distance and fade or hook as well as correct club shaft size. It’s called a “fitting”. People come in try out clubs and frequently spend hundreds of dollars. Ed is happy. One day we arrived bright and early, The Comic Book Store opens at 10 a.m. for the Callaway Demo Day. In the rear left corner of the emporium, to the left of the Cobra and Tour Edge golf club selections is Ed’s driving range. All 25 feet of it. People trying out golf clubs can hit a ball off a tee into Ed’s old king size mattress. The golf company reps have their simulators back there so even though the ball travels only 20 feet or so the simulator will inform “270 yards, straight, or right, or left”. We have spent many days listening to the thump of golf balls hitting the mattress as we discuss the chronic failures of many football, basketball and baseball teams as well as the latest televised golf tournament results. On this very special Callaway Demo Day, we walked in, gave Ed his coffee and turned to see a man come running to the front of the store bleeding profusely. It was the Callaway rep and evidently, he had taken a practice swing hitting a golf ball at the mattress. There is a beam behind the mattress. Even Ed forgot it was there because one had ever hit the beam head on before. The mattress had minimal effect at softening the 100mph golf ball as the spheroid hit the beam and came back full force and hit Mr. Callaway on the nose. Isaac Newton would be proud. So here was the poor man was standing in the front of the store bleeding and we all stood around as he bled, suggesting courses of action. He didn’t want a doctor. He was a bit embarrassed, so ice was called for. There was now a confab as to where to obtain ice. The liquor store? The bank? There is a Tractor Supply across the street. No, Subway was the best bet - so Ed went to Subway to find some ice. Meanwhile, someone had gone to the Northeast Golf Bathroom, it’s a toilet and sink behind the back wall of the shoe section and obtained copious amounts of toilet paper. We kept passing toilet paper to the bleeding man, who had now moved outside so he could bleed through the toilet paper and his fingers onto the sidewalk. As he bled, we were helpfully discussing broken noses and sinus issues. Ed returned armed with ice. Note if you ever get hit on the nose by a golf ball, seek ice at Subway. Miraculously, once the bleeding was staunched about 15 minutes later, the rep bravely returned to his clubs and simulators and Ed’s Driving Range and carried on with Demo Day as by now 5 or 6 potential demoites and customers had wandered into the store. Some even walked over the blood stain. We briefly thought that as a reward for us supplying him with toilet paper the rep would reward us, perhaps with a complimentary $400 dollar golf club, but it was not to be. He can get his own toilet paper the next time he hits himself in the nose with an errant golf ball. A couple of years later we were in the Comic Book Store when a Ping rep arrived for a Demo Day. We helped him carry in his boxes and equipment, but we were not offered a free golf club on that occasion either. Not even a hat. The 12-foot-long deep brown blood stain on the faded green rug beside the used golf club section serves as a landmark to this day. I know it is 12 ft. because I measured it one day while Jerry, Todd and Ed were discussing the merits of the Ping G425 driver vs. the Callaway RX.
Our first stop on arrival in downtown Enyon, which consists of the afore mentioned Dunkin’ Donuts, Bank, and the strip mall, or it could be suburban Archibald the lines blur, is the afore mentioned Dunkin Donuts where we get coffee for ourselves and Ed. Ed is always happy to see us. He loves coffee. He also loves it that Jerry ensures that I get coffee. Caffeine seems to affect me in terms of retail purchases, and I have ended up buying golf clubs, golf balls, Martini Tees, and other sundry items through the years. I tend to buy things when I am full of caffeine. Clearly, I will never visit a real estate office after having a cup of coffee. Often, I can resist but Jerry is relentless. Sometimes we have just walked into the store and Jerry immediately runs to the golf club section and comes running back to show me a club he has found “at a great price, you were talking about getting a 6 hybrid”. I was? When? I switched to decaf coffee but that hasn’t helped. As our niece, a former barista says “decaf does not mean no caf”. Thus, I’m more susceptible to making a retail purchase especially since Ed does offer substantial discounts. We may be discussing the NCAA Basketball tournament and Jerry will disappear for a few minutes and come back and shove a wind jacket into my hands. “It’s your size and a very reasonable price.” I haven’t paid for my coffee in years thanks to Jerry who finds its effects on me to be endlessly amusing. I wonder if Ed subsidizes Jerry’s purchases. Needless to say, all of us have purchased a lot of stuff over the years.
Ed also delivers golf clubs. If you call him and tell him the club you want, he’ll bring it the next time you play golf with him. One year he delivered when he didn’t know he would be delivering. Todd used to have an annual July 4 party and cookout and a highlight was us hitting golf balls off the cliff behind his house. Ed brings a supply of golf balls and even some old clubs. One year, our friend Phil, aka “Jersey Phil”, who had occasionally accompanied us to the Comic Book Store bought one of the used clubs Ed brought for cliff golf ball bashing. We suspect that a certain amount of single malt scotch may have been involved. Ed was happy.
Ed’s sister, Wendy is a low handicap golfer which means she is quite good. She mans the Comic Book Store when Ed is out golfing and vice versa. We try to avoid Wendy so we go on Saturdays and Tuesdays because we know she will not be there. Sometimes she is. It is a very unpleasant surprise and we try to pretend we are happy to see her. We’re not. She is very business oriented and is more interested in helping customers while leaving us standing around talking to each other. Can you imagine? She does not have time for small talk. More importantly, she does not offer us discounts on purchases which is why we don’t like to find her behind the counter. Perhaps we should bring her coffee. On one occasion Wendy was busing “demo-ing” and selling clubs to two customers, one of them pointed to us indicating that perhaps we also needed assistance since she was ignoring us. Wendy looked at us and said “oh, they’re just hanger arounders.” And so, we became the Hanger Arounders.
Another highlight or our visits to the Comic Book Store is the post visit lunch at La Tonalteca, a Mexican restaurant. I’m not sure if it is in Enyon, Archibald, or Scranton but its just down the road. Ed occasionally accompanies us if Wendy or his son, Sebastian, aka “Kid Sebbie” is also working. Alas, Kid Sebbie graduated from college and is now a “teaching pro” at the Plantation Golf Course in Maui so lunch with Ed occurs but once or twice a year. We suppose he could close the store for 90 minutes or so but since Ed likes Margaritas it would not good for sales. Also, if he were to accompany us, there would be no one left to watch the store.
Through the years, various friends with whom we play golf have joined us for the Comic Book Store field trips. They include the afore mentioned Jersey Phil, Fred, a retired Air Force officer, nicknamed “The Colonel”, our friend Rich, aka “Jean Claude” does not play golf. However, Rich skis and he likes Mexican food so he enjoys the field trips. Most importantly, our neighbor, Bill, aka “Little Bill” joined the gang a few years ago. There seems to be a thing about guys and nicknames. Todd was responsible for giving Little Bill the golf disease. Jerry named him Little Bill. He came to love the game and Ed came to love Bill. Todd, acting as defacto sales associate, convinced Bill to make a number of substantial purchases of clubs and equipment over the years. I believe caffeine was also involved. Sadly, Todd “the Coach”, like the Colonel, moved to Texas where there is almost no golf but now Todd collects snakes. He is has become a herpetologist and has a snake rescuing business. His wife is thrilled. Then, just last year, Jerry, “Gben” moved to Gettysburg to be closer to his grandchildren. Really, being closer to his daughters and grandchildren vs. golf with us, trips to the Comic Book Store, Mexican lunches, making me buy golf equipment. What was he thinking? However, it has saved me a lot of money thus far.
Recently, Little Bill and I have been joined by Bill’s wife, Kelley, for golf rounds. She really enjoys the game and has been bitten by the “golf bug” just like her husband. She is becoming quite proficient. Naturally, she has heard all about our adventures at the Comic Book Store. During a round of golf, I was extolling the virtues of a particular golf club. Kelley was interested and Bill and I persuaded her that a visit to the Comic Store could remedy the situation. Off we went. After the de rigueur visit to Dunkin Donuts for coffee for Ed and us, we arrived to George Thorogood and the Destroyers crooning of the virtues of One Bourbon, One Scotch One Beer on the Comic Book Store sound system. We gave Ed his coffee and pointed out some must see attractions to Kelley such as Putterama, the Golf Ball Museum, and the Blood Stain. Kelley had brought the golf club she wished to replace. Without Todd and Jerry, there was no one to distract Ed from his sales pitch. Recall that adjacent to the strip mall featuring Northeast Golf, Fine Wines and Spirits and Subway is the NBT Bank. It is a short walk. A very short walk. Kelley took the short walk. About an hour later, Kelley who had walked into the Comic Book Store seeking one golf club, walked out of the Comic Book Store with a new SET of, count them, 8 Callaway irons and hybrid golf clubs plus a new golf bag. It was quite an expensive field trip for Kelley and Bill. We, of course had our La Tonalteca lunch. Bill and I had beer. Kelley, still in shock, had a Margarita. During our ride home, Bill said to me, “with due respect John, the next time you want to go to the Comic Book Store, I’m not going.
Bibliography:
How to Get Other People to Buy Golf Clubs, Jerry Benincasa, 2019
Don’t Drink Coffee Before You Shop…………John Cafarella, 2021
Golf and Wives and Shopping, A Consumer Guide………Bill Frank, 2024
Golf Clubs and Serpents for Influencers …………Todd Richie, 2017
