It Seems Like Yesterday. Where Did That Time Go Anyway?

“Time moves in one direction, memory in another.” – William Gibson

Why does time seem to speed up as we get older?  When we were 8 years old, Christmas took forever to get here as we anxiously anticipated our Christmas gifts. Then, somehow, we got to “It’s Christmas already? Again?” Of course, objectively, we know that a year always takes the same 365 days to pass (except on a leap year, of course), and that each of those days contains the same 24 hours. Yet we also know that this is not at all how it feels. I would note, however, that no matter what our age, summer always goes too quickly. We also realize that some things that we think are older occurred at the same time as things we think are older still. Did you know that woolly mammoths were still alive while Egyptians were building those pyramids?  

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana” ……Groucho Marx or Anthony Oettinger.

Why is it that some things that happened years ago seem like yesterday, while other things get lost in the past? Yes, why is it that time seems to pass faster as we get older? Why do our brains warp the perception of time based on circumstances and subject matter? If you have time on your hands, there are several theories.

Adrian Bejan, a researcher at Duke University suggested that our perception of time changes due to physical alterations in our brains and bodies as we age.  Why do some days feel longer or shorter than others? And why does time seem to fly by as we get older? One explanation is “clock time” vs. “mind time” According to Bejan, there’s a distinction between measurable clock time and the time perceived by our minds.  “The measurable ‘clock time’ is not the same as the time perceived by the human mind. The ‘mind time’ is a sequence of images, i.e., reflections of nature that are fed by stimuli from sensory organs.” In other words, our brains process a series of mental images based on what we see, hear, and experience. When we’re young, our brains receive and process these images more rapidly. As we age, this processing slows down due to physical changes like the degradation of neural pathways. 

We all know that when you are at work nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing it’s actually Tuesday. 

Cindy Lustig, a psychology professor at the University of Michigan pointed out that as we age, our lives often become more routine. “When we are older, we tend to have lives that are more structured around routines, and fewer of the big landmark events that we use to demarcate different epochs of the ‘time of our lives”. With fewer new experiences, our brains lump similar days and weeks together. This can make time feel like it’s passing more quickly because there are fewer memorable events to distinguish one period from another.

Psychologists have been noticing this feature of the human mind, and have been forming theories about its origins, since psychology began as a discipline. In 1890, William James wrote in his classic text, Principles of Psychology  that this speeding up is probably responsible for the phenomenon which came to be called  “forward telescoping”: our tendency to think that past events have happened more recently than they actually have. For example, Anne Frank, Martin Luther King Jr., Audrey Hepburn, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Grace Kelly and Dick Clark were all born in 1929. The telescoping effect refers to inaccurate perceptions regarding time, where people see recent events as more remote than they are (backward telescoping), and remote events as more recent (forward telescoping). This mental error in memory can occur whenever we make time-based assumptions regarding past events. The Brooklyn Bridge is 11 years older than London's Tower Bridge.

 “The past always looks better than it was. It’s only pleasant because it isn’t here.” — Finley Peter Dunne

It is a short jump (time warp?) from your brain and biology and our perceptions of time to physics. Enter Albert Einstein who believed time is relative and developed his special theory of relativity, Einstein said that time depends on the observer's reference frame. We know that time is the same no matter where we are. “Not so fast” said Einstein although he probably said “Nicht so schnell.”  It depends on our reference point. In 1905, Einstein took a tram ride home and instead of reading a newspaper or checking his social media, he realized something that revolutionized modern physics. While receding away from the Zytglogge (a Clock Tower) in Bern, Switzerland, he imagined what would happen if the tram was zooming along at the speed of light (186,000 miles per second). He realized that at such great speed, the hands of the clock would appear to be completely stationary. However, he knew that back at the clock tower, the hands would tick at their normal pace. He recognized that when he travels fast, time will slow down. He concluded that the faster you move through space, the slower you move through time. Einstein proved that time is relative depending on its observer, rather than an immutably fixed constant everywhere in the universe.

 The idiom, “Time flies when you’re having fun” is mistakenly attributed to Einstein but it was in a 1785 play, Love’s Last Shift by William Congreve. We would add to time flying and fun that when you’re procrastinating, time flies even faster! Although Einstein did say, 'Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. ...”

And so that is why we know that 30 minutes is 30 minutes except the 30 minutes you get to lie in bed before getting up and starting the day goes a lot quicker than the 30 minutes waiting at the airport as the plane is delayed or at a boring meeting or lecture or cocktail party or your wife/husband et al, makes you watch the Hallmark Channel Christmas in July. Time can be your friend or your foe. The clock plays an important role. As for age, it is a simple fact that for a 10-year-old, one year represents 10 percent of their entire life and even 15 to 20 percent of their conscious memory. But one year for a 50-year-old represents less than 2 percent of their recallable life. Thus, we have those long days in school and almost endless summers of childhood, and the rapidly transitory days, weeks, and months that most of us adults experience. 

Of course there is what is known as the Time Paradox.  My General Practitioner and my Gastroenterologist are a paradox, well they are a pair a Docs anyway.  But we digress. As an example, take the twins Pierre and Marie. Their clocks will remain in sync, and they will age in unison as long as they are in close proximity to one another. However, things would be slightly different if Pierre were to board a rocket and travel through space at almost the speed of light to the Andromeda Galaxy. His voyage may have lasted merely a few months or several years. But for Marie, it might have taken decades or even centuries, depending on how quickly he moved. There is a good chance that when Pierre returns from Andromeda, Marie will be kaput.  Science Fiction writers get orgasmic over this idea. This is precisely what the laws of special relativity require: based on their velocity, various observers in the universe would calculate time differently.

 “Time is a game played beautifully by children.” – Heraclitus

From physics we return to our brains and biological theories. One is that the speeding up of time is linked to how our metabolism gradually slows down as we grow older. Because children's hearts beat faster than ours, because they breathe more quickly and their blood flows more quickly, their body clocks "cover" more time within the space of 24 hours than ours do as adults. Then there is the proportional theory, which suggests that the important factor is that, as you get older, each time period constitutes a smaller fraction of your life as a whole. Mind time and clock time are two totally different things. They flow at varying rates. This theory seems to have been put forward in 1877 by Paul Janet, who suggested the law that  William James describes as, "the apparent length of an interval at a given epoch of a man's life is proportional to the total length of the life itself. A child of 10 feels a year as 1/10 of his whole life — a man of 50 as 1/50, the whole life meanwhile apparently preserving a constant length."

“Time moves slowly but passes quickly.” –Alice Walker.  

Writer Philip Yaffe suggested the speed of time as we experience it has to do with anticipation and retrospection. We cannot wait to graduate from high school or college, and it can be an agonizing process at times. Yet, at the ten-year class reunion we cannot believe it was that long ago. Children and teenagers experience significantly more change, more frequently, than adults. They grow taller, wear new clothes, switch schools, have different friends, and learn new things, good and bad, at school. It is a world of transition and change. As adults, many of these factors level out and don't change at all. As we get older, our brains aren't wired to take in as many things from the outside world, or to learn in the same way. Therefore, three years ago can feel like yesterday: not much has changed in our brain, our perception, or our lived experience. Take Harriet the Tortoise for example. She died in 2006. She had seen Charles Darwin in person.  Harriet was collected by Darwin during his 1835 visit to the Galápagos Islands as part of his round-the-world survey expedition. She was then transported to England, and then brought to her final home, Australia, by a retiring captain of the Beagle. When Harriet was attacked by a gang of snails, the police asked her what happened. She said, “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.” 

Adding to the historical perspective goolash, in today’s digital age, excessive use of social media can also distort our sense of time. When we dive into our favorite apps, we’re met with an endless stream of posts, videos, and updates that continuously stimulate our senses.  Blackberries have come and gone for goodness’s sake. So has Twitter. Misjudgments in time stem from our tendency to assess remembered events by how long ago it feels they occurred rather than a deliberate calculation. Although it’s easier to spot these memory mix-ups in other people, they’re not always easy to detect in ourselves.

There are also physical changes in the aging brain. Our friend Bejan emphasized that these physical changes in our brains contribute significantly to this altered perception. “The rate at which changes in mental images are perceived decreases with age because of several physical features that change with age: saccades (a rapid movement of the eye between fixation points) frequency, body size, pathways degradation, etc.,” As our neural pathways degrade over time, our brains take longer to process new information. This slower processing speed means we’re generating fewer mental images in the same amount of clock time, making time seem to pass faster.  Look at 1977, the year our son was born.  Charlie Chaplin died in 1977, the same year Apple was incorporated. It was also last use of the guillotine in France, and the same year Star Wars came out. Seems like yesterday to us. 

“Time flies over us but leaves its shadow behind.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne. 

So, we continue to wonder why is it that some things that happened years ago seem like yesterday, while other things seem lost in the past? And why is it that time seems to pass faster as we get older? Why does it seem that our brains warp the perception of time based on circumstances and subject matter? Questionnaires by psychologists have shown that almost everyone — including college students — feels that time is passing faster now compared to when they were a fraction as old. And perhaps most notably, a number of experiments have shown that, when older people are asked to guess how long intervals of time are, or to ‘reproduce' the length of periods of time, they guess a shorter amount than younger people. Your children are about to finish school when it doesn't seem long since you were changing their diapers.  

Go back 10 years from your current age.  Could it seem like yesterday?  Ask a 25 year old to back 10 years.  9/11 will be ancient history to Gen Zers while it is etched in the memory of those of us over 40. 2020 and Covid is recent for all of us.  It will be history in 10 years for a 15-year-old. Perhaps in 100 years people will look on it the way we look on the Spanish Flu of 1919. Of course, that depends on how many new diseases the Chinese develop in their labs in the interim. 

I remember exactly where I was when John F. Kennedy was shot, I was taking a French test. I recall where I was when Neil Armstrong said, “The Eagle has landed” (Castle Douglas Scotland).  However, the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was recent for my parents but ancient history to me. They knew exactly where they were. In fact, my father remembered being at a N.Y Giants football game when it was announced on Sunday, December, 7 1941. Pick a major historical occurrence during your life.  One generation’s current event is another generation’s history.   Just ask the Baby Boomers, Millennials, Generation X and Generation Z about the past.  My friend, Jerry, will occasionally call out “Babalu !”  when someone hits a very long golf shot. He did this one day when we were teamed with a 21-year-old. The Gen Zer said “what’s Babalu?”.  Jerry explained that it was from the TV show, I Love Lucy.  The 21-year-old said, “what’s that?”.  Each generation gives birth to their own cultural sayings, mostly so they can identify with each other, but also so that they can confuse previous generations as to what the meaning is …. Babalu!  As the Who informed us, we’re, “talkin’ ‘bout my generation.”  A reminder,  Idioms will come and go but idiots will always be with us.  

Speaking of the moon landing, Cleopatra lived 69 B.C.–30 B.C. and that first moon landing was in 1969, A.D.…which means Cleopatra lived closer to the moon landing than she did to the building of the Great Pyramid. Our perceptions can enable the past to fool us. 

“When to the sessions of sweet silent thought,                                                                                                        I summon up remembrance of things past”

Shakespeare, Sonnet XXX

• ·      William Shakespeare was still alive while America was still being colonized 
• ·      Harvard University didn't offer calculus classes for the first few years after the school was established in 1836.... because calculus wouldn’t be invented for another 30 years. 
• ·      In 1889 Nintendo was founded when Jack the Ripper was still practicing his surgical skills on live women. Nintendo originally made playing cards called hanafuda.
• ·      Today's oldest living tree (a bristlecone pine) was already 1,000 years old when the last wooly mammoth died
• ·      "Buffalo Bill" Cody was still alive during WWI. 
• ·      Oxford University is older than the Aztec Empire
• ·      The first book of the New Testament, the Epistle of St. Paul - 1 to the Thessalonians was written 16 years after Jesus’ death and resurrection. The first Gospel, Mark was written about 30 years after Jesus died.
• ·      Between the time it was discovered and the time it was “deplaneted”, Pluto did not even complete one revolution around the sun. Revolve in peace Pluto.
• ·      Jurassic Park baloney, the difference in time between when Tyrannosaurus Rex and Stegosaurus was 85,000,000 years. That’s greater than the difference in time between Tyrannosaurus Rex and now.
• ·      And the next time you say you’ll be a “moment,” know that it is actually is a medieval unit of time and is equal to 90 seconds.

“Old age and the passage of time teach all things.”…..Sophocles    

We know and even occasionally understand, that the concept of time involves biology and physics and memory.  Yesterday becomes recent. Recent becomes “then”. Then turns into history. And history becomes “where did the months/years go?”.    This will be the same for everyone regardless of age.  Gen Zers and those yet to be named “Gens”  to follow just like Baby Boomers and those that preceded will also wonder, “Is it Labor Day already?” We all know that children grow up too all too quickly.  Some events will disappear from our memories. Cultural references and idioms (“Babalu”) will become disused and antiquated and forgotten except for those contemporaries who remember and continue to use them to the confusion of a younger generation.  Recall, the last original episode of Seinfeld aired on May 14, 1998. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”  Time is an amazing and fascinating phenomenon. It is a fundamental quality of the universe along with the three known spatial dimensions: length, width, and height. It can also be a pain in the posterior.  The chronological passage of the hours, days, and years on clocks and calendars is a steady, measurable phenomenon. Yet our awareness of time shifts constantly, depending on external factors such as seasons, holidays/vacations, birthdates, anniversaries or physical changes such as wrinkles…..I’ll stop there. These will affect the perceived passage of time in minutes, days, hours, weeks and especially years. Now you know why we wonder where the time went yet we’ll  never stop wondering where it went.   But it sure has gone, hasn’t it? 

“Time and tide wait for no man…….Geoffrey Chaucer, The Canterbury Tales.

 

Sources:

https://qz.com/1516804/physics-explains-why-time-passes-faster-as-you-age

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-well/202011/why-time-goes-faster-we-age

https://brainworldmagazine.com/time-flies-growing-growing-older-perception-time/

https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/telescoping-effect

https://www.sciencetimes.com/articles/46978/20231108/time-relative-meaning-why-albert-einstein.htm

Time Picture - https://www.shutterstock.com/search/clock-with-wings?dd_referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F

 

 

 

The Comic Book Store- Hanging With The Hanger Arounders

 

"It's amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading comics digitally." Howard, The Big Bang Theory.

 

Northeast Golf is a golf equipment store located in Enyon, Pa. It’s barely Enyon because you pass through Archibald Pa. to get there. We’re not sure where one begins and one ends. Mt. Cobb gets involved at one point.  Directions to Northeast Golf include such major arteries as Turn right onto Keystone Ave, turn right onto Gino Merli Dr. and left onto Sturges Rd/Wildcat Rd.  We pass many sites enroute including lots of warehouses that are popping up like pimples on a 13 year old, the Susquehanna River and most importantily, the house painted in a very bright lavender.  It used to have an olive-green front door.  It was eye catching and we would slow down in the car and conversation would pause as we passed to admire it and wonder who would paint their house bright lavender and think that olive green was a good match. Every other house we passed was a standard house color but this was pure genius.  Then, tragically, the owners painted the front door white. It’s just not the same and makes us sad. Now, instead of admiring it, we snarkally remark on what was lost, sort of like seeing the site of where the since torn down old Penn Station used to be in Manhattan.  

 

Northeast Golf is a small store located in a strip mall between a Subway and a Fine Wines and Spirits. Conveniently, in the lot next to the strip mall there is an NBT Bank. The lot next to the bank contains a Dunkin’ Donuts.  The liquor store, the bank and Dunkin’ Donuts are important to our story. We have never set foot in the Subway although it came in handy during the Incident of the Broken Nose on Bloody Saturday. The proprietor of Northeast Golf, Ed, is a former Superintendent of the Scranton Municipal Golf Course (another landmark gone, sadly lost during Covid), a member of the Golf Course Superintendents Association of America (that means he plays for free just about everywhere), a former coach of a high school golf team, and possesses an encyclopedic knowledge of golf equipment and technique. Through the years, he has become our friend, and we refer to him as “Uncle Ed” even though he is younger than us.

 

We first met Ed at the Scranton “Muni” golf course where we would play weekly. Inevitably we got to chatting about various subject and discovered that we had a lot in common. Ed liked to sell golf clubs.  We liked to buy golf clubs. One year, we encountered Ed, not at the golf course, but at The Scranton Golf Show.  Being a fairly typical Poconos areas Golf Show, most of the participants were roofers, plumbers, realtors, and other contractors. There was also a “Win a Free Trip to Myrtle Beach” booth. They gave away free pens. Mine had run dry. Not knowing this in advance, the show that is, not the inkless pen, and it being winter, and we had nothing better to do, we attended the Golf Show and there was Ed. In fact, Ed was the Golf Show. He was the only golf related vendor there. Although, come to think of it, the people who live in homes on golf courses may interested in window replacements. Naturally, we got to chatting some more since most attendees were looking at plumbing, roofs, and hot tubs so business was slow. Ed extolled the wonders of his store, Northeast Golf and we received invitations to visit. It was the beginning of a beautiful romance.

 

Winters here in the Poconos are unpleasant. No, they are horrible. Let me count the ways……but so much for my digression. It was winter that brought us, Jerry, aka Gben, Todd, aka Coach, and I, aka The Blade, to Northeast Golf. We didn’t purchase anything we just chatted with Ed about golf. Now we visit as many as five or six times a year and through the years our discussions have come to include sports, he’s a Green Bay Packers fan, and music, he’s a classic rock fan and, of course, always golf clubs. One day music fan. Ed told us about his visit to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  He was excited.  This would be like visiting the Louvre for a classic rock aficionado. It was July. Unfortunately, the Hall of Fame was featuring a “Christmas in July” theme. The displays and music played were guess what. He and his wife traveled all the way to Cleveland for Jingle Bell Rock…….  but we always circle back to golf and we have spent a lot of money on golf equipment. A lot. 

 

There was a TV sitcom a few years ago called The Big Bang Theory and, in several episodes, the main protagonists, male, would spend several scenes in The Comic Book Store.  It sold comic books. They would have discussions on various subjects while thumbing through stacks of comic books. At Northeast Golf we have discussions while picking up and idly swinging various golf clubs.  Someone almost always has a golf club in hand. One day Jerry’s daughter, Gina, asked him what we do during our trips to Northeast Golf. He described our activities and discussions in great detail.  She said, “oh, just like the Comic Book Store.”  And it IS just like the Comic Book Store. That is our behavior. From that moment, we have called it The Comic book Store. “Want to go to the Comic Book Store on Saturday?” can be heard several times during the year. Thanks Gina although this has resulted in some complications for us when questions arise about why we call it the comic book store. People familiar with the TV show usually know what we’re talking about but may require some details about the comic book store episodes. People who have neither seen nor heard of the show require detailed explanations as their eyes glaze over and open-eyed coma ensues. 

 

One enters the Comic Book Store to a soundtrack of loud classic rock. On the right is Ed’s counter with his cash register and counter displays of golf ball markers and martini tees for hitting golf balls. They are shaped exactly like a martini glass.  He even has a golf ball museum. Well, I call it a golf ball museum because he displays a history of golf balls through the ages display.  Well, it’s not really a museum, it’s about 12” by 12” and there are four tiered dust covered rows showing the evolution of  golf balls. I think he got it at a yard sale.  Ed is usually behind the counter. You will find several golf clubs that Ed has repaired leaning against the counter. On the left, opposite Ed as you enter can be found unopened cartons of golf clubs that have been delivered. Ed is still working on his unpacking and displaying skills so the boxes can sit there for a whlle. To the left of the unopened cartons is/are the ladies golf club sets and golf club bags. To the left of them, against the wall, begins the men’s golf club sets and club displays.  Callaway and Cleveland are featured. Straight ahead as you come in the door and just to the right of the end of the blood stain on the rug, is the elevated putter sales display.  Just step up about 6 inches to enter. I call it “Putterama”, an array featuring the putters of various companies, all expensive.  The putters, form a semi-circle surrounding a rather worn carpet with some ripples, and two  “holes”.  This is for trying out the putters knocking a golf ball into a “hole”. Exiting Putterama, make a left by Ed’s counter and you’ll find dozens of brands of golf balls for sale both stacked and mounted on carousels.  To the right of them, against the wall are hats, towels and various golf essentials. But beyond the Putterarama, is the heart of the Comic Book Store, many more golf clubs featuring brands such as Ping (Ed describes himself as “a Ping Guy”), Cobra, Tour Edge, Titlest, TaylorMade and Wilson. We spend a lot of time here, checking prices, swinging the clubs and carrying on our continuing conversations with Ed.  Todd, nicknamed “Coach” due to his ability to “read” putting greens, is a golf club savant.  He knows the model numbers of every new golf club that comes out. There are new models every year.  Golf clubs resemble cars in that way.   Some people can tell the difference. Apparently, Todd  memorizes the monthly issues of Golf Magazine and other important literature for the latest and greatest. Sometimes it seems that he changes drivers (that’s the largest club) as often as the weather changes in the Poconos.  He gets a club, uses it for a while, finds another, falls in love with another and trades in the old club. He’s a bit promiscuous when it comes to drivers.  Ed is happy.  He takes trade ins…..just like cars.  Also in the rear of the store are the golf shoes and apparel. We have never purchased either, but it is important to know where everything is located because of me and coffee.

 

A spring highlight of the Comic Book Store visits is “Demo Days”. A Demo Day features a sales representative from a golf company bringing an assortment of golf clubs, always the latest models, for customers to try and hopefully purchase. The rep comes armed with machinery including simulators that measure swing speed and various ball behaviors such as distance and fade or hook as well as correct club shaft size.  It’s called a “fitting”.  People come in try out clubs and frequently spend hundreds of dollars.  Ed is happy. One day we arrived bright and early, The Comic Book Store opens at 10 a.m. for the Callaway Demo Day.  In the rear left corner of the emporium, to the left of the Cobra and Tour Edge golf club selections is Ed’s driving range. All 25 feet of it.  People trying out golf clubs can hit a ball off a tee into Ed’s old king size mattress. The golf company reps have their simulators back there so even though the ball travels only 20 feet or so the simulator will inform “270 yards, straight, or right, or left”. We have spent many days listening to the thump of golf balls hitting the mattress as we discuss the chronic failures of many football, basketball and baseball teams as well as the latest televised golf tournament results. On this very special Callaway Demo Day, we walked in, gave Ed his coffee and turned to see a man come running to the front of the store bleeding profusely.  It was the Callaway rep and evidently, he had taken a practice swing hitting a golf ball at the mattress.  There is a beam behind the mattress.  Even Ed forgot it was there because one had ever hit the beam head on before. The mattress had minimal effect at softening the 100mph golf ball as the spheroid hit the beam and came back full force and hit Mr. Callaway on the nose. Isaac Newton would be proud. So here was the poor man was standing in the front of the store bleeding and we all stood around as he bled, suggesting courses of action. He didn’t want a doctor.  He was a bit embarrassed, so ice was called for. There was now a confab as to where to obtain ice.  The liquor store? The bank? There is a Tractor Supply across the street. No, Subway was the best bet  - so Ed went to Subway to find some ice. Meanwhile, someone had gone to the Northeast Golf Bathroom, it’s a toilet and sink behind the back wall of the shoe section and obtained copious amounts of toilet paper. We kept passing toilet paper to the bleeding man, who had now moved outside so he could bleed through the toilet paper and his fingers onto the sidewalk. As he bled, we were helpfully discussing broken noses and sinus issues. Ed returned armed with ice. Note if you ever get hit on the nose by a golf ball, seek ice at Subway.  Miraculously, once the bleeding was staunched about 15 minutes later, the rep bravely returned to his clubs and simulators and Ed’s Driving Range and carried on with Demo Day as by now 5 or 6 potential demoites and customers had wandered into the store. Some even walked over the blood stain. We briefly thought that as a reward for us supplying him with toilet paper the rep would reward us, perhaps with a complimentary $400 dollar golf club, but it was not to be. He can get his own toilet paper the next time he hits himself in the nose with an errant golf ball.   A couple of years later we were in the Comic Book Store when a Ping rep arrived for a Demo Day.  We helped him carry in his boxes and equipment, but we were not offered a free golf club on that occasion either.  Not even a hat.  The 12-foot-long deep brown blood stain on the faded green rug beside the used golf club section serves as a landmark to this day. I know it is 12 ft. because I measured it one day while Jerry, Todd and Ed were discussing the merits of the Ping G425 driver vs. the Callaway RX. 

 

Our first stop on arrival in downtown Enyon, which consists of the afore mentioned Dunkin’ Donuts, Bank, and the strip mall, or it could be suburban Archibald the lines blur, is the afore mentioned Dunkin Donuts where we get coffee for ourselves and Ed. Ed is always happy to see us. He loves coffee. He also loves it that Jerry ensures that I get coffee. Caffeine seems to affect me in terms of retail purchases, and I have ended up buying golf clubs, golf balls, Martini Tees, and other sundry items through the years. I tend to buy things when I am full of caffeine. Clearly, I will never visit a real estate office after having a cup of coffee. Often, I can resist but Jerry is relentless. Sometimes we have just walked into the store and Jerry immediately runs to the golf club section and comes running back to show me a club he has found “at a great price, you were talking about getting a 6 hybrid”. I was? When?  I switched to decaf coffee but that hasn’t helped. As our niece, a former barista says “decaf does not mean no caf”.  Thus,  I’m more susceptible to making a retail purchase especially since Ed does offer substantial discounts. We may be discussing the NCAA Basketball tournament and Jerry will disappear for a few minutes and come back and shove a wind jacket into my hands.  “It’s your size and a very reasonable price.”  I haven’t paid for my coffee in years thanks to Jerry who finds its effects on me to be endlessly amusing. I wonder if Ed subsidizes Jerry’s purchases. Needless to say, all of us have purchased a lot of stuff over the years.

 

Ed also delivers golf clubs. If you call him and tell him the club you want, he’ll bring it the next time you play golf with him. One year he delivered when he didn’t know he would be delivering.  Todd  used to have an annual July 4 party and cookout and a highlight was us hitting golf balls off the cliff behind his house. Ed brings a supply of golf balls and even some old clubs. One year, our friend Phil, aka “Jersey Phil”, who had occasionally accompanied us to the Comic Book Store bought one of the used clubs Ed brought for cliff golf ball bashing.  We suspect that a certain amount of single malt scotch may have been involved.  Ed was happy.

 

Ed’s sister, Wendy is a low handicap golfer which means she is quite good.  She mans the Comic Book Store when Ed is out golfing and vice versa. We try to avoid Wendy so we go on Saturdays and Tuesdays because we know she will not be there. Sometimes she is.  It is a very unpleasant surprise and we try to pretend we are happy to see her.  We’re not.   She is very business oriented and is more interested in helping customers while leaving us standing around talking to each other. Can you imagine?  She does not have time for small talk. More importantly, she does not offer us discounts on purchases which is why we don’t like to find her behind the counter. Perhaps we should bring her coffee. On one occasion Wendy was busing “demo-ing” and selling clubs to two customers, one of them pointed to us indicating that perhaps we also needed assistance since she was ignoring us. Wendy looked at us and said “oh, they’re just hanger arounders.” And so, we became the Hanger Arounders. We should note at we don’t always buy golf clubs or golf balls. Some trips are just for having Ed put a new grip on a golf club or shortening a club from 34 to 33 inches,  in other words a Bris. 

 

 

Another highlight or our visits to the Comic Book Store is  the post visit lunch at La Tonalteca, a Mexican restaurant.  I’m not sure if it is in Enyon, Archibald, or Scranton but its just down the road.  Ed occasionally accompanies us if Wendy or his son, Sebastian, aka “Kid Sebbie” is also working. Alas, Kid Sebbie graduated from college and is now a “teaching pro” at the Plantation Golf Course in Maui so lunch with Ed occurs but once or twice a year. We suppose he could close the store for 90 minutes or so but since Ed likes Margaritas it would not good for sales. Also, if he were to accompany us, there would be no one left to watch the store.

 

Through the years, various friends with whom we play golf have joined us for the Comic Book Store field trips.  They include the afore mentioned Jersey Phil, Fred, a retired Air Force officer, nicknamed “The Colonel”, our friend Rich, aka “Jean Claude” does not play golf.  However, Rich skis and he likes Mexican food so he enjoys the field trips. Most importantly, our neighbor, Bill, aka “Little Bill” joined the gang a few years ago. There seems to be a thing about guys and nicknames. Todd was responsible for giving Little Bill the golf disease. Jerry named him Little Bill.   He came to love the game and Ed came to love Bill.  Todd, acting as defacto sales associate, convinced Bill to make a number of substantial purchases of clubs and equipment over the years. I believe caffeine was also involved.  Sadly, Todd “the Coach”, like the Colonel, moved to Texas where there is almost no golf but now Todd collects snakes.  He is has become a herpetologist and has a snake rescuing business.  His wife is thrilled. Then, just last year, Jerry, “Gben” moved to Gettysburg to be closer to his grandchildren.  Really, being closer to his daughters and grandchildren vs. golf with us, trips to the Comic Book Store, Mexican lunches, making me buy golf equipment. What was he thinking? However, it has saved me a lot of money thus far. 

 

Recently, Little Bill and I have been joined by Bill’s wife, Kelley, for golf rounds.   She really enjoys the game and has been bitten by the “golf bug” just like her husband. She is becoming quite proficient. Naturally, she has heard all about our adventures at the Comic Book Store. During a round of golf, I was extolling the virtues of a particular golf club.  Kelley was interested and Bill and I persuaded her that a visit to the Comic Store could remedy the situation. Off we went. After the de rigueur visit to Dunkin Donuts for coffee for Ed and us, we arrived to George Thorogood and the Destroyers crooning of the virtues of One Bourbon, One Scotch One Beer on the Comic Book Store sound system.  We gave Ed his coffee and pointed out some must see attractions to Kelley such as Putterama, the Golf Ball Museum, and the Blood Stain. Kelley had brought the golf club she wished to replace. Without Todd and Jerry, there was no one to distract Ed from his sales pitch.  Recall that adjacent to the strip mall featuring Northeast Golf, Fine Wines and Spirits and Subway is the NBT Bank. It is a short walk. A very short walk. Kelley took the short walk.  About an hour later, Kelley who had walked into the Comic Book Store seeking one golf club, walked out of the Comic Book Store with a new SET of, count them, 8 Callaway irons and hybrid golf clubs plus a new golf bag. It was quite an expensive field trip for Kelley and Bill. We, of course had our La Tonalteca lunch.  Bill and I had beer. Kelley, still in shock, had a Margarita.  During our ride home, Bill said to me, “with due respect John, the next time you want to go to the Comic Book Store, I’m not going.

 

Bibliography:

 

How to Get Other People to Buy Golf Clubs,   Jerry Benincasa, 2019

 

Don’t Drink Coffee Before You Shop…………John Cafarella, 2021

 

Golf and Wives and Shopping, A Consumer Guide………Bill Frank, 2024

 

Golf Clubs and Serpents for Influencers …………Todd Richie, 2017

Swan Song, Conclusion, Windup, Finis, Coda, Farewell …… Famous Last Words

 

 

 

“Many valiant men, how many fair ladies, breakfast with their kinfolk and the same night supped with their ancestors in the next world!”....    The Decameron, Giovanni Boccaccio.  

 

 

“Don’t worry, it’s not going to rain today.” The reflexive response is “famous last words”.

 

Once upon a time, “famous last words” was literally the notable final comments of someone before they breathed their last. The first use of the idiom was applied to Union General John Sedgewick (age 50) who proclaimed at the Battle of Spotsylvania in May 1864 that, “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance” just before he was shot by a Confederate sniper below his left eye and was rendered kaput.

 

Current colloquial usage, the one we often use, evolved during the 20th century, appearing in literature and popular culture as a sarcastic response to overconfidence or bravado which will be proven wrong or contradicted by subsequent events.  Some examples: “Hey guys, watch this.” “I’ve never had a flat tire.” “That marriage will last forever.”  “It looks sturdy enough for me.” “It will be easy from here on in.” “I'll never forget your birthday; I have it marked on my calendar!” “We have plenty of time to get to the airport.”  “You can't wake them up while they're hibernating”, and, yes, “Don’t worry. It won’t rain today”

 

Today, we’re going to take note of some closing perorations of the well-known as well as the obscure before they bit the dust. As we know, famous last words* was originally a factual reference to the well-known last words of some famous person especially those whose final utterances took on an ironic or poignant significance. The phrase evolved to famous last words of the not famous as their departing remarks would become famous. It is important to note that there had to be someone present to hear and record the parting words of the soon to be demised or at least to read their final diary entry.  You will notice as you peruse this composition that oft times the closing words were to a wife, lover, nurse, doctor, or servant.  Also notice the frequency that gunfire was involved.

 

During our study of notable final statements we expected something witty from some notably witty people such as Ben Franklin (1706–1790) - “A dying man can do nothing easy.” or the French philosopher, Voltaire (1694–1778) who affirmed to a priest who asked him to renounce Satan, “This is no time to be making new enemies”. However, as we shall see, the heretofore unknown also contributed to the lexicon of famed departing windups.  As expected, many of the well-known last words came from those in the world of the arts. 

 

In music, we have the adieus of composers and vocalists and one drummer. Gustav Mahler, (1860–1911) Austrian composer and conductor, noted for his 10 symphonies died in bed, conducting an imaginary orchestra. His last word was “Mozart!”  And speaking of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (1756-1791), the legendary and prolific composer of operas, symphonies and concertos, including Symphony No. 40 in G Minor , Piano Concerto No. 21 (Elvira Madigan), and operas, The Marriage of Figaro and Don Giovanni, died saying to his sister, Constanze, "The taste of death is upon my lips. I feel something that is not of this earth." We cannot mention Mozart without mentioning German composter/pianist, Ludwig Von Beethoven (1770–1827). His most famous composition was Symphony No. 5 in C Minor, Op. 67. Trust us, you know the first four notes. Beethoven departed requesting “friends applaud; the comedy is finished”.   Percy Grainger (1882-1961) was an Australian composer who, with his dying words, narrowed down his feelings towards people in general and said to his wife Ella, “You’re the only one I like.” Baroque era French composer Jean-Philippe Rameau, recognized for his harpsicord music, (1683–1764) had a rather negative reaction to a song being sung at his bedside. He said, “What the devil do you mean to sing to me, priest? You are out of tune.” 

 

American blues singer Bessie Smith (1894–1937) was known as the 'Empress of the Blues’. Her most well-known song was Down Hearted Blues and she died saying, “I’m going, but I’m going in the name of the Lord.” Frank Sinatra (1915–1998), known as ‘The Chairman of the Board’ or Ol’ Blue Eyes’ with numerous hit recordings such as My Way, Strangers in the Night, and Fly Me to the Moon, as well as many movies, died after saying, “I’m losing” according to wife, Barbara.  Our next two contributors, like General Sedgewick, and others did not know that their famous last words would be their famous last words. Once again, guns were involved. American R&B singer, Johnny Ace, (1929–1954) had a #1 hit with Pledging My Love. Note, he is always referred to by the media and disc jockeys as “the late great Johnny Ace” as if that was his full name. He died in 1954 while playing with a pistol during a break in his concert set. His last words were, “I’ll show you that it won’t shoot.” Not sure if the audience got a refund for the abbreviated show. Terry Kath, (1946–1978) was lead singer of the group Chicago on hits such as Color My World and Make Me Smile. Mr. Kath obviously was not familiar with the demise of the late great Mr. Ace as he intoned “What do you think I am going to do blow my brains out?” Kath was holding what he thought was an unloaded gun. Unfortunately, the gun was loaded, and Kath did blow his brains out. 

Drum virtuoso, Buddy Rich (69) legendary for his work with “Big Bands”, went defunct in 1987. As he was being prepped for a surgery from which he would not return, a nurse asked him, “Is there anything you can’t take?” Rich replied, “Yeah, country music.” Blues/Folk guitarist Huddie William Ledbetter, a.k.a. Lead Belly, (1888–1949) was the first to record the standard, Goodnight Irene in 1933. He correctly predicted, “Doctor, if I put this here guitar down now, I ain’t never gonna wake up.” 

On the last night of American/French resident, singer/dancer, civil rights activist and WWII spy, Josephine Baker’s (1906–1975) life, she left a party being held in her honor, saying, “Oh, you young people act like old men. You are no fun.”  The great guitarist, Bo Diddley (1928–2008) died giving a thumbs-up as he listened to the song Walk Around Heaven. His last word was “Wow.”  James Brown (1933–2006) The “Godfather of Soul” who sang, Please Please Please, Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag and I Got You, informed those around him, “I’m going away tonight.” Kurt Cobain, lead singer of Nirvana, (gunshot again) left a suicide note ending with “It's better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy”. Cobain was quoting Neil Young’s Hey Hey My My…..Into the Black. And of course there’s Elvis (1935–1977). according to his “fiancé”, Ginger Alden his final words during a sleepless night were “I’m going to the bathroom to read.”  

 

Apologies to Irving Berlin (he died in his sleep at the age of 100), the world of show business has several notable contributors to our study because, as Berlin wrote “There’s No Business Like Show Business”.  Right up until the end comedian/movie star/television star, Bob Hope (1903–2003) had a quip. His wife asked him where he wanted to be buried.  He said, “Surprise me.” W.C Fields, comedian/vaudeville/movie star/drinker, (1880–1946) was famous for his crankiness and cutting humor and so like some of the other famous in this essay, he gets credit for several different famous last words. The most reliable seems to be “God damn the whole friggin’ world and everyone in it but you, Carlotta.” He was speaking to Carlotta Monti, his longtime mistress. Actor, Michael Landon, (1936–1991) “Little Joe” on Bonanza and star of Little House on the Prairie, and Highway to Heaven had his family gathered at his bedside and his son said it was time to move on. Landon said, “You’re right. It’s time. I love you all.” Movie star, John Wayne (1907–1979), The Searchers, True Grit, Rio Bravo, died in Los Angeles. The Duke turned to his wife, Pilar, and said, “Of course I know who you are. You’re my girl. I love you.” Actor, Humphrey Bogart (1899–1957), High Sierra, Casablanca, the Maltese Falcon, was a heavy smoker and suffering from cancer told his wife, Lauren Bacall as she was leaving the house to pick up their children at school, “Goodbye, kid. Hurry back.”  

Singer, dancer, actor, comedian Donald O’Connor (1925–2003), Singin in the Rain, and Francis, the Talking Mule, hosted the Academy Awards in 1954. When it was time to go to that big stage in the sky in 2003, he jokingly told his family “I’d like to thank the Academy for my lifetime achievement award that I will eventually get.” He still hasn’t gotten one. Jack Soo (1917–1979) was a cast member in the comedy police television series Barney Miller. There was a running joke on the show about Soo’s character making terrible coffee at the station house. As Soo was being wheeled into an operating room, cancer of the esophagus, he joked, “It must have been the coffee.”  Most of us have never heard of Charles Gussman (1913-2000). He was a writer and TV announcer who wrote the pilot episode of the soap opera, Days of Our Lives, among other shows.  He knew he was ill, and he wanted his last words to be memorable. When his daughter reminded him of this, he removed his oxygen mask and whispered: “And now for a final word from our sponsor—.”

 

And we turn to the comedy of the Marx Brothers, The Coconuts, Animal Crackers, Duck Soup  ……Groucho (Julius) Marx (1890–1977) was dying of pneumonia, and he let out one last parting wisecrack, “This is no way to live!”.   Chico (Leonard) Marx (1887–1961). He’s the one with the Italian accent, gave instructions to his wife as his last words: “Remember, Honey, don’t forget what I told you. Put in my coffin a deck of cards, a mashie niblick, and a pretty blonde.” A “mashie niblick” is a type of golf club, the equivalent of a seven iron. As for the silent Marx brother who never spoke, Harpo (Arthur) - 1887–1961, died after surgery, silently. And, yet another Marx brother, the German, Karl, (1818–1883) author of the Communist Manifesto was a barrel of laughs to the end as he said, “Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough”.

“Master of Suspense”, Alfred Hitchcock (1899–1980), Pyscho, North by Northwest, Rear Window, remarked as he was dying “One never knows the ending. One has to die to know exactly what happens after death, although Catholics have their hopes.” Famed reporter, Edward R. Murrow (1908–1965), who always had a cigarette in his hand when reporting the news or interviewing news makers, died while patting his wife’s hand. He said, “Well, Jan, we were lucky at that.” Movie star, Joan Crawford (1924–1972), Mildred Pierce, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, Trog, was nasty in life and nasty to the end as she berated a nurse praying for her, “Damn it! Don't you dare ask God to help me!".  Next, we have a case of optimism vs. pessimism with the latter being correct. Stan Laurel of Laurel and Hardy movie, The Music Box, Babes in Toyland, A Chump at Oxford, Sons of the Desert, fame (1890-1965) was told by his nurse that he would be fine in the morning. “I’ll be in Hell before you start breakfast!” correctly joked the comedian.  And a final show biz last words, actually two, “Codeine… bourbon…” said actress Tallulah Bankhead (1902-1968). Bankhead, Lifeboat, A Royal Scandal, was known for her flamboyant personality, lifestyle and sharp wit and drinking.

 

Naturally many authors couldn’t go without leaving something memorable. It might even be a requirement of the job.  Russian/American author Vladimir Nabokov (1899–1977), Pale Fire,  was also an entomologist whose particular interest was butterflies. His last words: “A certain butterfly is already on the wing.” One might think his final declaration should have been Lolita. Moby-Dick author Herman Melville (1819–1891) died saying, “God bless Captain Vere!” He was referring to his then-unpublished novel Billy Budd which was found in a breadbox after his death.  Joseph Wright (1734–1797) was a noted linguist who edited the English Dialect Dictionary. His last word? Fittingly, it was “Dictionary”.  George Orwell’s (1903–1950) last written words were, “At 50, everyone has the face he deserves.” The 1984 author—whose real name was Eric Arthur Blair—died at age 46 from complications of Tuberculosis. French philosopher/author, Jean-Paul Sartre -(1905–1980) said to his philosopher/author partner Simone de Beauvoir “I love you very much, my dear Beaver”. His pet name for her was based partly on her surname and partly on her notably busy work ethic. Among Sartre’s many books was Being and Nothingness and so he went from……to……..

Austrian Hungarian (now the Czech Republic) poet, Rainer Maria Rilke (1875-1926), known for his põem, Duino Elegies, said, “I don’t want the doctor’s death. I want to have my own freedom.” Irish poet T.S. Eliot (1888–1965), The Waste Land, which included the line, “April is the cruelest month” was only able to whisper one word as he died: “Valerie,” the name of his wife. He died in January, not April.  American, Wilson Mizner (1876–1933) was best known for his witty quips—including the lines, “Be nice to people on the way up because you’ll meet the same people on the way down” and “If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism. If you steal from many, it's research.”. He was also a successful playwright. On his deathbed, a priest said to him, “I’m sure you want to talk to me.” Mizner replied, “Why should I talk to you? I’ve just been talking to your boss.”  O.O. (Oscar Odd) McIntyre (1884–1938) was an American reporter. His daily column about the city, “New York Day by Day,” reportedly ran in more than 500 newspapers throughout the United States. He died at age 53, and spoke his last words to his wife Maybelle: “Snooks, will you please turn this way. I like to look at your face.”  English poet, Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806–1861) famous for her Songs of the Portuguese, renowned for “How do I love thee. Let me count the ways”, said to her husband, Robert, “Beautiful.” Somehow, we didn’t think she’d call Robert, “Snooks”. British novelist, Jane Austen, (1775–1817, celebrated for her novels, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Emma, among others, died at 4:30 in the morning of July 18, 1817, with her sister, Cassandra at her bedside.  She said, “I want nothing but death.” according to a letter from Cassandra Austen to her niece Fannie Wright.

 

Then we have “My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.” This was attributed  to Oscar Wilde (1854–1900) celebrated wit and author of The Importance of Being Earnest and Picture of Dorian Gray amongst others.  The “wallpaper” quotes have been Internetingly multiplied, divided, added, and subtracted ad infinitum. However, according to the book Oscar Wilde: The Unrepentant Years, he said this to a visiting friend a few weeks before went kaput in Paris. The correct quote is probably “I am dying beyond my means. I can't even afford to die.” as he lay, penniless, expiring in a dilapidated Paris hotel.  Before Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises, A Farewell to Arms,  (1899–1961) committed suicide, he told his wife Mary, “Goodnight, my kitten.” The ensuing shotgun blast probably ensured that she would not have a good night.  The Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Eugene O’Neill (1888–1953), author of Long Day’s Journey into the Night, and many others, was born in a room at the Broadway Hotel on Long Acre Square, now Times Square in New York City. He died at age 65 in the Sheraton Hotel in Boston and his last words were, “I knew it! I knew it! Born in a hotel room and, goddamn it, dying in a hotel room.”. Another hotel, another passing as Welsh poet, and noted heavy drinker, Dylan Thomas (1914-1953), author of Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night' and 'And Death Shall have No Dominion' proudly proclaimed “I’ve had eighteen straight whiskies… I think that’s the record” at the Chelsea Hotel in New York. The quote is probably true but possibly embellished. He then slipped into a coma from which he never recovered.   

 

Dominique Bouhors (1628–1702) was a 17^th century French Grammarian. He was a Grammarian to the end, devoted to the art of proper syntax as he said, “I am about to or I am going to either expression is correct”. Truman Capote (1924–1984), author of In Cold Blood and Breakfast at Tiffany’s was also known for his feuds, and scathing wit. He left this vale of tears saying, “Mama—Mama—Mama.” Artist, writer, and filmmaker, Derek Jarman’s (1942–1994) last words as he was dying of AIDS were “I want the world to be filled with white fluffy duckies.” Author of The Prince, politician/diplomat, Niccolo Machiavelli (1469–1527) offered a request before dying of a stomach ailment caused by medication he took for, yes, a stomach ailment.  “I desire to go to Hell and not Heaven. In the former place I shall enjoy the company of popes, kings, and princes, while in the latter are only beggars, monks, and apostles”. We’ve also seen Machiavelli’s final announcement as, “I am no longer afraid of poverty or frightened of death. I live entirely through them.” And then he didn’t.  Norwegian playwright,A Dolls House and Enemy of the People, Henrik Ibsen (1828–1906) was contrary to the end.  His wife remarked that his condition was improving. He said, “On the contrary.” Then he died.  “I feel nothing, apart from a certain difficulty in continuing to exist.” said French philosopher and writer, Bernard de Fontenelle (1657-1757). 

 

As for Irish playwright, George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950.), we don’t really know his last words, but as with many others in this essay, famous quotes from his life pop up as “last words”.  The most accurate seems to be "I knew if I stayed around long enough, something like this would happen." Among Shaw’s most memorable works are Pygmalion (you know the musical version as My Fair Lady), Major Barbara and Man and Superman.  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (1859–1930), the creator of Sherlock Holmes went kaput in his garden. He turned to his wife and said, “You are wonderful,” then clutched his chest and died. 

 

You might think that the most famous wordsmith of all, William Shakespeare (1564–1616) would have some famous last words since his plays are chock full of them. Sadly, there are none from him. His final written words are in his will, discovered in 1747.  They are “By me William Shakspeare”. He left his wife of 33 years, Anne Hathaway, “my second best bed with the furniture.”. We do not know the fate of his best bed.  Poet Emily Dickinson’s (1830–1886) final words were, “I must go in, for the fog is rising.” This echoed her poem, Because I Could not Stop for Death, published posthumously in 1890,  “Because I could not stop for Death – / He kindly stopped for me – / The Carriage held but just Ourselves – / And Immortality.” 

 

The world of science, technology and mathematics has given us quite a few parting bon mots. The great physicist, and author (Principia) Isaac Newton (1643–1727) died after saying “I don’t know what I may seem to the world. But as to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore and diverting myself now and then in finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than the ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.” Physicist, Albert Abraham ( 1852–1931), was more focused than Newton.  Michelson spent much of his career measuring the speed of light. He was the first American to win the Nobel Prize in Physics. As he was dying, he was still engrossed in measuring light. He wrote in his log: “The following is a report on the measurement of the velocity of light made at the Irvine Ranch, near Santa Ana, California, during the period of September 1929 to—.” And that was it. He went dark. Richard Feynman (1918–1988) physicist, Nobel Prize winner, author, (Surely, You’re Joking Mr. Feynman) musician, professor, and traveler died in Los Angeles in 1988. His last words? “This dying is boring.” Remember that quote when we get to Winston Churchill a bit later in this essay. 

 

English surgeon Joseph Henry Green (1791–1863) was checking his own pulse as he lay dying. His last word: “Stopped.” Happy to the end, birth control advocate and Eugenicist, Margaret Sanger’s (1879–1966), parting shot was “A party! Let’s have a party.”  According to his sister Mona, Apple co-founder Steve Jobs (1955–2011), the computer virtuoso and entrepreneur’s last words were, “Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.” Thomas Fantet de Lagny (1660–1734) was a French mathematician. On his deathbed, he was asked, “What is the square of 12?” His last words: “One hundred and forty-four.” British economist and philosopher, John Maynard Keynes (1883-1946) regretfully noted “I should have drunk more champagne.”  He was referring to not enjoying more of life’s pleasures, a fitting end for a man famous for Keynesian Economics. “Don’t disturb my circles!” Greek mathematician and inventor Archimedes (c. 287-212 BC) reprimanded a Roman soldier who interrupted his mathematical studies in the sand on the island of Sicily.  The soldier killed him, thus disturbing his circles.  After 1093 patents, the light was going out for inventor, Thomas Edison, (1847-1931) as he said, “It's very beautiful over there”.  Leonardo Da Vinci (1452–1519) could be included in our scientists or our artists. At age 67 (we thought he was older…..he certainly looked older), he humbly noted “I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.” Well, the Mona Lisa was pretty good though. 

 

We’ve segued to artists thanks to Leonardo.  Italian Renaissance artist Raphael’s (1483–1520), most famous work is “The School of Athens”, located inside the Stanza della Segnatura on the second floor of the Vatican Palace. He succumbed to, well, we’re not sure. There are some theories with the most popular being that his secrecy regarding his late-night outings…..seeking sex,…he was a bit of a horn dog, may have led doctors to misdiagnose his ailment and prescribe the wrong treatment that ultimately accelerated his death. Raphael’s (Raffaello Sanzio da Urbino) last word was simply “happy.” Eccentric, surrealist artist, Salvador Dali (1904–1989) claimed he did not believe in mortality. Wrong.  He said “I do not believe in my death” just before his heart attack. Frida Kahlo (1907–1954) was a gifted artist and a walking United Nations, she had a German Hungarian-Jewish father and a mother of Spanish and Mexican Indian descent. She was famous for her eyebrows and the work, “The Two Fridas”.  She wrote in her diary "I hope the exit is joyful and hope never to come back.”

 

Turning our attention to the world of crime we find that some criminals faced the death penalty with a bit of humor. “How’s this for your headline, French Fries!” said James Donald French. (1936–1966).  French a convicted murderer made his prediction before facing his end at the electric chair. French kidnapped and killed a motorist who had given him a lift.  Following his arrest on that charge, he strangled a cellmate in jail. “Butterfingers” Thomas B. Moran (1896-1971) was an accomplished pickpocket. He reportedly stole as many as 50,000 wallets in his career but who’s counting. As he was dying, his last words were a complaint, “I’ve never forgiven that smart-alecky reporter who named me Butterfingers. To me, it’s not funny.”   Murderer James W. Rodgers (1910-1960) was put in front of a firing squad in Utah and asked if he had a last request. He replied, “Bring me a bullet-proof vest.” John Arthur Spenkelink (1949-1979) was executed in Florida in 1979 for the murder of a fellow criminal. He kept busy in his final days writing his last words on various pieces of mail: “Capital punishment means those without the capital get the punishment.” Convicted murderer, Thomas J. Grasso had a major menu issue with his last meal as he used his last words to complain “I did not get my Spaghetti-O’s; I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.”. Charles “Lucky” “Charley Lucky” Luciano (1897-1962) was the most powerful “boss” of the American Mafia in the early 1930s and a major influence even from prison in 1936–45 and then after deportation to Italy in 1946. His last words were, “Tell Georgie I want to get in the movies one way or another.”  He was probably referring to actor, George Raft who was known for his friendships with gangsters. 

 

In the arena of sports, Hall of Fame football coach Vince Lombardi, (1913–1970)

whose Green Bay Packers won the first Super Bowl, was dying of cancer in 1970 and turned to his wife Marie and said, “Happy anniversary. I love you.”  Louisiana State University basketball great “Pistol” Pete Maravich (1947–1988) collapsed during a pickup game. His unfortunate last words: “I feel great.” Moe Berg (1902–1972) was a baseball player, a catcher who played for several teams, including the Brooklyn Dodgers and the Boston Red Sox. He was later a spy for the U.S Office of Strategic Services (OSS) reporting on the Nazi atomic bomb work during WW II. His final words to his wife were “how did the Mets do today?”…..They won. His ashes were scattered in Israel. NASCAR driver, Dale Earnhardt, (1951–2001), in what would be a final interview before his last race said, "Easy now, I'm not 50 yet. Just take it easy, guys. You know, I got a lot of years of racing left... When I go to start sitting on the porch a little more, then, you know, you talk about me being a senior citizen." His car crashed on the final lap, and he was killed instantly. Soccer legend, Argentinian, Diego Maradona (1960–2020), woke up one morning, was unable to finish his breakfast and said, “I don’t feel well”. 

 

We imagine that the famously disappeared mob connected labor leader, Jimmy Hoffa may have said “I’ll see you after lunch” as he was going to dine with some Mafiosi associates.  He never came back.

 

Historically, well-known famous last words, can be, as we’ve seen, poignant, funny, sad, weird, or mean—The last words can make quite the impact as folks shuffle off the stage of life and we were certain that historic figures had some historically famous final words, and they didn’t let us down. French astrologer and physician, Nostradamus’ (1503–1566) was the most widely read clairvoyant of the Renaissance. His final prediction was, “Tomorrow at sunrise, I shall no longer be here.”  Well, he got that one correct.  Harriet Tubman, (1822–1913)was an escaped slave, abolitionist, and the most well-known of all the Underground Railroad's "conductors”. As she  gathered her family around and they sang together; some have said her last words were “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.” However, her actual last words were, “Give my love to the churches. Tell the women to stand firm. I go to prepare a place for you.” 

 

Monarchial parting words cover a range from resignation to being unaware that the end was near.  Anne Boleyn, the second wife of Henry VIII (there were six in all), gave a speech from the scaffold at the Tower of London prior to her beheading. “Thus, I take leave of the world, and of you, and I heartily desire you all to pray for me. Oh Lord, have mercy on me! To God I commend my soul!” Always considerate, Henry had imported an expert executioner from France. One swipe with a very sharp sword and it was done.  The only daughter of Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn, Queen Elizabeth I (1533–1603) of England reportedly said as she was exiting due to pneumonia in 1603, “All of my possessions for a moment of time!" Historians believe the statement to be apocryphal. As for her father, Henry VIII (1491–1547), he expired with the recorded last words, “I will first take a little sleep, and then, as I feel myself, I will advise upon the matter. “.  On the other hand, England’s King George V (1865–1936), was a bit incensed.  According to his physician the English monarch yelled “God Damn you!” at his nurse as gave him a sedative. Marie Antoinette (1755–1793), Queen of France, stepped on her executioner’s foot on her way to the guillotine at the Place de la Révolution, now the Place de la Concorde in, Paris. Her last words: “Pardonnez-moi, monsieur.” Her husband, the unfortunately dim Louis XVI, (1754–1793), addressed the crowd as he was prepared for the guillotine. “I die innocent. I pardon my enemies, and I hope that my blood will be useful to the French, that it will appease God’s anger...” Then, the drums……. hey, it was the execution of a king, of course they had a band………. began to roll loudly and Louis’ final words were inaudible.  Louis was killed on January 21, 1793. Wife Marie followed on October 16, 1793. Speaking of France, Louise-Marie-Thérèse de Saint Maurice, a confidant of Marie Antoinette happily noted, “Good. A woman who can fart is not dead.”, after letting loose with the same. Don’t put too much credence in that one as research into Madame de Saint Maurice yielded several Madame de Saint Maurices including one nun, all having had the flatulence quote attributed to them, but it was too good a quote to pass up.

 

 “Oh God, I’ve been murdered” announced British Prime Minister, Spencer Perceval (1762–1812 ) after being shot by a deranged man, John Bellingham in the House of Commons. American industrialist Richard B. Mellon, (1858–1933) a multimillionaire, was the president of Alcoa. He and his brother Andrew had a lifelong game of tag going. When Richard was on his deathbed, he called his brother over and whispered, “Last tag.” Brother Andrew remained “it” for four years, until he died apparently having no one to tag.  William Seward (1801–1872), Secretary of State during the Lincoln and Johnson administrations, most famous for organizing the purchase of Alaska, known then as “Seward’s Folly”, was asked if he had any final words. He replied, “Nothing, only ‘love one another.’  George Washington’s (1732 – 1797) final speech was considerably shorter than his Farewell Address at Fraunces Tavern in New York. It was simply, “Tis well”. Franklin D. Roosevelt, (1882–1945) President of the U.S complained “I have a terrific Headache” as he suffered a brain hemorrhage that would prove fatal. President John F. Kennedy (1917 – 1963) and his wife, Jacqueline were riding with Texas governor, John Connelly, and his wife in the Presidential limousine in Dallas on November 22, 1963. During the ride, the Mrs. Connelly told JFK, “You certainly can’t say that the people of Dallas haven’t given you a nice welcome, Mr. President”, to which JFK responded “No, you certainly can’t.” He was then assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald.

   

Edith Louisa Cavell (1865–1915), was a British nurse and patriot executed by a German firing squad in Brussels, Belgium during WWI. She was killed for assisting Allied soldiers in escaping from German-occupied territory. "Standing, as I do, in the view of God and eternity, I realize that patriotism is not enough.  I must have no hatred or bitterness towards anyone." 

Sometimes famous last words are added posthumously. “Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.” Pancho Villa (1878–1923) didn’t say it.  Actually, he didn’t say anything but it’s a nice story.  The Mexican revolutionary leader was shot in the head while traveling home in his car from a visit to Parral, Chihuahua, Mexico and died instantly. Speaking of being shot, “I wonder why he shot me” queried Senator Huey Long (1893–1935) of Louisiana. The “Kingfish” speculated on this after being hit by a bullet fired in the Louisiana State capital building, by Dr. Carl Weiss.  Then we have, “F--k, a bullet wound!” (there’s that gunfire again), cursed Antonio Jose De Sucre (1795–1830) Venezuelan independence leader and President of Peru and Bolivia. De Sucre articulated this candid expression of dismay in the middle of his assassination in 1830. Mass murderer, and architect of the Bolshevik Revolution, Vladimir Lenin (1870–1924) said “Good dog” to a dog that brought him a dead bird. Doctors had removed a bullet from a wound he received during an attempted assassination in 1918.  Things didn’t go well as he experienced the joys of Communist socialized medicine.  Pioneer pilot, Amelia Earhart’s (1897-1937) final radio transmission was "Gas is running low.  We are on the line 157-337.  We will repeat this message.  We will repeat this on 6210 kilocycles.  Wait." She and navigator, Fred Noonan were aiming for Howland Island, a minuscule island in the Pacific only 13,200 feet long and 2,650 feet wide during their “round the world” flight. Amelia and Noonan lost radio contact with the Coast Guard cutter Itasca, which could not return their communication. We’ll never know what Earhart and Noonan said to each other before they disappeared into the mists of history.  French designer and style setter, Coco Chanel, (Gabrielle Bonheur Chanel 1883–1971), of Chanel #5 perfume fame, was expiring at the Ritz hotel and said to her maid, Celene, “You see, this is how you die." Speaking of fashion, Mata Hari, (Margaretha Zelle, 1876–1917) Dutch exotic dancer, courtesan, and convicted of being a spy for Germany during WWI, was in front of a firing squad in Vincennes, France and said, “I am ready.” When offered a blindfold, she disapproved and said, “must I wear that?” Was a clash of colors the issue?  Lawrence of Rome, (226-258) aka St. Lawrence was martyred in 258 during one of the periodic persecutions of Christians, this time under the Emperor Valarian. As he was being burned alive, Lawrence’ parting request was, “Turn me over—I’m done on this side”.  Perhaps Jack Daniels (1846–1911) of the eponymous Tennessee sour whiskey brand would like to have met Dylan Thomas (see above in the authors section). Mr. Daniels kicked a safe in frustration. His leg developed an ultimately fatal blood infection. As he was failing, he asked for  “One last drink please”. 

 

Caligula, (12-41 AD), infamously murderous looney Roman Emperor, shouted “Vivo” (I live) as he was being chopped up by the Praetorian Guard. He was wrong. He didn’t live. Caligula was succeeded by his uncle, Claudius who was eventually poisoned by his wife, Agrippina, (sister of Caligula if you’re keeping score), who would in turn would be ordered murdered by her son, the monstrous, Nero.  She eliminated Claudius so that Nero would succeed him as Emperor. Nero is another of those whose famous last words may be famous, but they probably are not his last. “What a great artist the world loses in me!” (Qualis artifex pereo!).  Condemned to death by the Senate, Nero committed suicide by stabbing himself in the throat and exsanguinated as the Praetorian Guard were on on their way to carry out the sentence. Cicero (106 BC – 43 BC), Roman philosopher, statesman, and orator hated Marc Antony. Antony hated Cicero. With Antony in power, Cicero attempted to escape from Rome. Antony sent solders to kill him. They caught up with him. As they prepared to execute him, he reportedly said “There is nothing proper about what you are doing, soldier, but do try to kill me properly.” The soldiers brought Cicero’s head to Antony. 

 

On the other hand, Lady Nancy Astor, the first woman to serve as a member of Parliament, wondered “Am I dying or is this my birthday?” as she briefly regained consciousness and found her family gathered around her. Charles Darwin, (1809-1882) of Theory of Evolution fame, calmly said “I am not the least afraid to die.”  British General William Erskine (1770-1813), said, “Now why did I do that?” after jumping out of a window in Lisbon, Portugal. We go from the British Army to the British Navy and swashbuckling hero Admiral Horatio Nelson, (1758–1805. Having already lost an eye and an arm in naval battles, what was left of him died of wounds suffered during his victory at the Battle of Trafalgar declaring, “Thank God I have done my duty." Sir Winston Churchill (1874–1965), military hero, author, politician, British Prime Minister during WW II, was just about done with life saying, “I’m bored with it all.” On the other hand, Italian explorer, Marco Polo, 1254-1324), could keep a secret or two about his adventures and travels in Asia.  “I have not told half of what I saw.” Robert Falcon Scott and four others including Captain Lawrence Oates were seeking to become the first to reach the South Pole.  When they arrived on January 17, 1912, they found Roald Amundsen's Norwegian flag and tent already there. On the return trip from the pole after their failure to be first, Antarctic explorer, Oates, (1880-1912) informed his compatriots “I am just going outside and may be some time" as he went outside, barefoot, into a blizzard. His four colleagues died just four days later.  The bodies were found frozen in their tent by a search party. Oates' body was never found.

 

And finally, Todd Beamer (1968 – September 11, 2001), was a passenger on United Flight 93, September 11, 2001.  “Are you guys ready? Let’s Roll”.  These were his last recorded words at the end of a cell phone call before Beamer and others attempted to storm the airliner's cockpit to retake it from Islamic hijackers. The plane crashed near Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

 

You may be familiar with the expression, “Good-bye, cruel world”, it was written in an alleged suicide note printed in the St. Louis Daily Globe-Democrat on August 5, 1875, and the Chicago Daily News on September 26, 1879.

 

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote' so that on my deathbed, my last words could be 'end quote.'" —Steven Wright (comedian)

 

 

 

* Please note that these citations have been double and sometimes triple checked because as we know, the internet is not only never wrong, but also good at multiplication. One incorrect quotation will be copied and pasted multiple times ad infinitum. Meiosis and mitosis gone wild. Trust us, we know this from following quite a few ultimately false quotes down the rabbit hole. Still, as thorough and reliable as our research has been, it would be advisable to not rely on this essay as a primary source for your PhD dissertation.

 

Sources:

 

Last Words of Notable People: Final Words of More than 3500 Noteworthy People Throughout History

 

https://grammarist.com/idiom/famous-last-words/

 

https://worldhistoryedu.com/famous-last-words-of-historys-greatest-figures/

 

https://www.phrases.org.uk/famous-last-words

 

http://www.thehypertexts.com/Famous%20Last%20Words.htm